self-serving scum

dave leaned over to me, his speech slightly slurred after a long session in the portobello star.
‘knowwha, mate? i got a corker for conference!’
‘do tell’, says me.
‘i’m gonna start by getting them all on their feet and saluting the troops.’
‘wheel out the poor saps dying in our wrongful war?’ i say.
‘damn right’, burbles dave.
‘radical! i approve. gonna bringem home?’
‘my arse’ stifling a genteel burp as he swigs the last of the laurent perrier, ‘they can damn well stay ’til we’ve crushed the ragheads! and i’ll tell you what’s even better…. i’m getting a general in the cabinet.’

‘bless you, feller. look at this – they even wrote me a list of policies. top secret.’ he tapped his nose, managing not to miss.

i looked at the list – it was in crayon. it said…
“lovely samantha.
look happy/moved.
dead baby.
look solemn.
struggle about whether to continue.
look noble/tortured [both if possible – either if too tricky]
labour bad.
tax cuts.
don’t say ‘paki’ [ask bruce if necessary]
flags – songs – kiss sam [no tongues]”

‘policies, big dave?’ i ventured.
‘that’s the speech. “policies” is the other side’
and it was. the word “policies” was definitely on the other side of the paper.
just “policies”.

i smiled thinly.

‘see!’ he beamed, ‘that’ll show them!’
‘err and the actual … policies?’
‘oh we’re gonna come up with some if we get in; plenty of time for that. after dinner. still, i have worked out one thing’
i waited expectantly….


‘we’re ready for change!’


‘you ready for change?’ he beamed at me awaiting my approval.
‘sure, big d’
‘brilliant; then we’ll have a bottle of bolly this time. tired of laurent perrier’

sam was gonna give him such a slap when he got home.


24 responses to “self-serving scum

  1. I missed the speech but looking on youtube for it I found this instead….

  2. Dear dawg I think the T Bliar prize for ham acting has serious competition. I have never seen anyone be less sincere about a dead child in my life. Including Sharon Shoesmith.

  3. how can you be so heartless, poll? he was clearly very moved (or mildly constipated). i distinctly recognised all purpose emotional expression no 7 (no 13 if constipated).

    and the lovely ms shoesmith appears now to be particularly moved about the death of an otherwise cushy little number doing bugger all at a local authority. still, she has a chance of winning in court and making even more than her 6 figure salary.

  4. It does look dreadfully like anal discomfort to me. More fibre is needed.

  5. cleverpostingaddy

    The part of Dave is played by Martin Clunes right?

    You’ve got him dead on.

    • i did see it via (i think) white rabbit (or maybe charon).
      funny – nena was one of those moments from my youth. i loved that song for its hopelessly badly translated lyrics; eg ‘everyone’s a silver hero everyone’s with captain kirk with orders to identify to clarify and classify’ ‘here i am standin pretty in this dust that was a city’
      they don’t rite em like that any more. i heard the german lyrics plenty and liked them better but maybe they were absurd as well.
      not like ionesco.
      did love that song though, and the sight of a woman with hairy european armpits! i was so young then and hadn’t even begun to think betty blue was a cinematic masterpiece. i was always a natural european.

  6. Hey SW, update yer link to me!

  7. Hey SW, scrub that, I’ve just deleted ye blog again after a problem with MRA’s who put some kind of file sharing prog on my computer, am currently at a friends. Watch out for e-mails purporting to come from me, I will leave a comment here later with a new e-mail addy and some identifying ID.

    Yours mysteriously


  8. how appropriate your reference to mra’s on a post about scum!
    thanks for the notice.

  9. Hey SW just checking this goes into mod

  10. No it hasn’t, lets see if this works.

  11. nope – the somewhat liberal approach to everything here seems to apply to comment filtering too!

  12. And well, I’m late as uze, but fck me SW, it worked and all! Jeeezuz H, I think I’ll just shoot myself now.

    (yes, I had to change my email address – it is me – I have been busy with my own blog – if I gave you the address, I would have to kill you.)

  13. yo the dp returneth! like the flowers in may and so NOT like the tories in downing street.

    i really don’t think the new government will have time to unpack. gideon osborne is chancellor … comedy tonight!

  14. Here is a reminder of just who/what is “leading” the country now (note the one which has been censored- never let it be said there is not a media conspiracy)

    Yes, a leader who truly has his finger on the pulse of what ordinary people experience day to day.

  15. My comment is still in mod SW (you probably won’t see this either as it will also go to mod) Help! can you see me???

  16. Correction SW – The bastard tories, holding R Murdoch’s hand.

    (It’s ok, it’s all caught up now – it was the post with the vids).

  17. 29 appointments so far by Dave. only 5 women, 2 of those peers. Kiss goodbye to a government who acknowledged that there actually ARE gender issues, and that with many issues you have to focus on women and their specific problems.

    Even to the end, Gordon Brown, not very loudly, and you had to listen carefully, but in his leaving speech, credited Harriet Harman with doing so much for equality. (I wish he would have said the “W” word, “women”, but never mind, I’m sure we won’t even get the G” or the “E” word, “gender” and “equality” from Dave C’s posse).

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