he’s back and he’s making a better world

mayor bidswick blitherington-browne (you know the one: posh bloke – pointlessly-expensive, polluting car – mayor of kensigton and chelsea as featured in my post of Aug 8 last year; whaddya mean you don’t remember it! i thought it was a particularly good one. oh…) is back.

well, i say he’s back… he has hit those advertising sites on the side of bus shelters with a vengeance! plastered all across the royal borough (average cost of property £1,298,447 this August) is his cunning plan to fix homelessness.  it’s a goodie!

the posters remind people it’s a bad idea to sleep rough or drink on the street and if they insist on doing it the police will have a jolly stern word. and here’s the genius bit. they write it in english and then what looks like polish to catch yer bloody builders who would presumably be crashing everywhere after a couple of bottles of tyskie.

whence came this blinding flash of light into the otherwise untroubled brain of a tory? …

the mayor has given the chauffeur the day off, turned up the eminem and is doing the ton round notting hill; he burns off a few chelsea tractors (casually flicking the v’s to yummy mummies picking up the kids at pembridge hall) squelches a few inconveniently-placed pedestrians in the process and suddenly like galileo observing the moons of jupiter or the bloke who invented pork scratchings, he is struck by the fact that random bodies littering the streets could seriously affect property prices. a real headscratcher, this one. he lights a capstan full strength and it all becomes clear. he will have a serious word with these inconsiderate people! eh voila! (though he generally regards filthy foreign words as a brussels-sponsored plot)

the day after the posters go up all you can hear in chelsea is the sound of the homeless (having realised the mayoral foot has been put down – hence the increasing road fatalities – and rough-sleeping mullarkey will no longer be tolerated) dashing to the nearest estate agents, picking up details of a few reasonably-priced apartments and sorting themselves out.

simple yet brilliant. i’m amazed nobody came up with this before. next week mayor bidswick blitherington-browne sparks up a fatboy and solves the global recession. my mate dave will surely be having a word any day now.

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10 responses to “he’s back and he’s making a better world

  1. Read: gobsmacked.

    What can I say other than “what else do you expect?” Homelessness is the fault of the homeless in the minds of those who have never been there, after all. And of course everyone could have a home if they chose to!

    Honestly, it makes me spit.

  2. (“read” as in ‘I’ve read what you wrote’ – not ‘read’ as in read this…. Fucking English language is chock-full of ambiguities when it’s written down. Sorry, Mum. x)

  3. honestly! do i kiss my mother with those lips? oh you know what i mean.

  4. Oh yes, put up a few posters and the problem goes away…. The problem is always the fault of the victim though innit? Lets look at this – who is at the very bottom of the proverbial pile and can’t fight back? Let’s blame them and get rid of them and then the problem is just gone huh?

    Nazi style labour camp anyone?

    Shame Mayor B-B’s brain cells don’t communicate or he’d be dangerous.

  5. actually, it could be a solution: a few more posters and we’d be able to cover the bus shelters entirely; cut a little door and a few windows and you have instant housing for the poor and the polish. you see how thin the line is between genius and idiocy.

    on a more positive note we have a pro bono unit at college and i may in a few weeks be able to present cases on behalf of clients in the leasehold valuation tribunal! i rather thirst to get back there after my own fun and games a while ago. NOW they are getting me excited!!!

  6. We have a mayor? Well, I certainly never voted for him!

  7. what are you? some kind of polish-builder-street-drinking-rough-sleeping communist type? subverting society with yer ‘i have nowhere to live’ rants. pah – the mayor was duly elected of course. by errr…
    ah yes by all the conservative members of the council. and some of them are women. so that’s democracy.
    go back to russia.

  8. It must be strange to be inside the mind of a Tory. Thank dawg I’ve never had the experience. Though it would make a sooper film plot. Freaky black Wednesday or some such.

  9. Though Mistah Purnell – who wants the long term sick to get jobs in the middle of a recession doesn’t do badly either.

  10. i’d be happy to get a job in the middle of this recession. might be sick, but at least i’m not a tory.

    i suppose one could live in the mind of a tory – at least it would be quite uncluttered. you wouldn’t spend your time bumping into original ideas or thoughts about treating people fairly etc. in fact you would be fairly safe from the whole concept of other people existing, to judge from the actions of the average tory.

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