mayor bidswick blitherington-browne (you know the one: posh bloke – pointlessly-expensive, polluting car – mayor of kensigton and chelsea as featured in my post of Aug 8 last year; whaddya mean you don’t remember it! i thought it was a particularly good one. oh…) is back.
well, i say he’s back… he has hit those advertising sites on the side of bus shelters with a vengeance! plastered all across the royal borough (average cost of property £1,298,447 this August) is his cunning plan to fix homelessness. it’s a goodie!
the posters remind people it’s a bad idea to sleep rough or drink on the street and if they insist on doing it the police will have a jolly stern word. and here’s the genius bit. they write it in english and then what looks like polish to catch yer bloody builders who would presumably be crashing everywhere after a couple of bottles of tyskie.
whence came this blinding flash of light into the otherwise untroubled brain of a tory? …
the mayor has given the chauffeur the day off, turned up the eminem and is doing the ton round notting hill; he burns off a few chelsea tractors (casually flicking the v’s to yummy mummies picking up the kids at pembridge hall) squelches a few inconveniently-placed pedestrians in the process and suddenly like galileo observing the moons of jupiter or the bloke who invented pork scratchings, he is struck by the fact that random bodies littering the streets could seriously affect property prices. a real headscratcher, this one. he lights a capstan full strength and it all becomes clear. he will have a serious word with these inconsiderate people! eh voila! (though he generally regards filthy foreign words as a brussels-sponsored plot)
the day after the posters go up all you can hear in chelsea is the sound of the homeless (having realised the mayoral foot has been put down – hence the increasing road fatalities – and rough-sleeping mullarkey will no longer be tolerated) dashing to the nearest estate agents, picking up details of a few reasonably-priced apartments and sorting themselves out.
simple yet brilliant. i’m amazed nobody came up with this before. next week mayor bidswick blitherington-browne sparks up a fatboy and solves the global recession. my mate dave will surely be having a word any day now.