eeeh! look at the muck in ‘ere (competition time)

blimey – i’ve just fought my way through the door, past a pile of junk mail as towering and phallic as a priest’s ego, choked on dust as thick as a tory councillor, the gas has been cut off and just from a brief inspection of the lifeforms that have evolved in my fridge, i have to admit it’s been a little while. i will answer your sarky comments on the thread where they appear and i am preparing a post that will truly change the world. however…
in the meantime, it’s not as if i don’t have many and varied things to be delighted and furious about. it is truly gratifying that no sooner does the primordial ooze in the tory party get extra daring and bubble up a policy for my mate dave to wrap his gorgeous pouting lips around than the voice of reason speaks from the shires (or wherever that bloke hails from) to whine that the dark ages are a glorious place to live (wow the sentence is so long; my stay at the henry james academy of period was indeed worthwhile) and some people just don’t deserve better than a secondary modern anyway. hoorah for the tories and their ability to keep opening their mouths every so often to remind you that:

a ) they’re still alive (bother it all)

and b) ah yes… THAT’S why we hate the bastards

however, the subject of our competition (and focus for my all-too-often-aroused ire) is a scottish bloke in a dress who reckons some old chap in the sky tells him abortion is “an unspeakable crime”, a “social evil”, “the wanton killing of innocents” who are “murdered in their mother’s womb” (at the very least, someone has misplaced an apostrophe – just saying). my challenge to you, my beloved writers/readers – for are we not all both of these? – is to put in the comments exactly what you’d like to say to the delightful, insightful, tastefully clad Cardinal Keith O’Brien (can’t be too many other Cardinal Keiths around, can there?). prizes will be awarded for conciseness, wit and pure old-fashioned rudeness. and if anyone wants to say anything to these dangerously emotive words of feminazi Ann Furedi from some wooly liberal baby-murdering group: “abortion is a safe, legal and medically-legitimate procedure” not to mention her radical assertion that “Women should be able to make their own decisions about their bodies and their future” (HAH!!!) then feel free to open fire. prizes as ever are yet to be decided (not to mention entirely imaginary) but will each include a free eucharist for two – with food and drink; a week in a mud hut featuring lots of unpleasant diseases; and definitely NOT the chance to look through Galileo’s telescope – courtesy of our new sponsor the Catholic Church of Scotland. wonder what big dave would think of that!

oh yes – we’re back… flagellate at will.

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64 responses to “eeeh! look at the muck in ‘ere (competition time)

  1. speaking of Muck – did you (speaking to everyone in case I am accused of talking to myself) – that there is a village on Shetland, off the northernmost coast of scotland called Muckle Flugga? ( I have beeen reading tonite’s tv guide).

    I am already living far too north from the equator for my liking, so, despite the fact that I would like my address to have Muckle Flugga in it, I could not stretch to actually moving there – I could have a house there and visit for one week a year in the summer if I had enough pennies – but with that name, I would like to become an honourary Fluggite.

    I do believe they are related to the Trigdeanites but keep a lower profile – the Trigdeanites are well-jealous because let’s face it, being a Muckle Fluggan/ite/ese/ish sounds much cooler that being a Trig (which sounds like an STI).

    There – my contribution to “muck”.

    Is this what you were looking to generate sw? I’m sorry there were not really any deroga-tory Tory refs – (funny that innit? how tory is in the word derogatory) or maybe not.

  2. and of course the isle of muck…

    there will surely be a market for what you talk of; many must require mailing addresses in places with funny names – i shall set up an online service offering people a mailbox address on muck or perhaps hell in sweden or even nasty in hertfordshire.
    actually i did want to set up a wandering cricket side that played all those places with odd names – ugley, bitter end, tosson, loadofwankerslivehere etc. i haven’t done it yet but a boy’s gotta dream.
    ps i made one of those places up.

  3. You made Ugley up?
    rofl
    I actually sent a parcel to an address on Hades Lane, Hag End once. Made me smile.

  4. i hope it smoked worryingly…

  5. What about Upper and Lower Wallops? I have passed thru those, literally and figuratively.

    What is the post code for “loadofwankerslivehere ” – I fear there are a multitude of post codes for that one.

    There is a “Hell” in Texas (probably named in a fit of heat-stroke by some cowboy in the 1800’s, thinking he was being ironinc, but in reality was just probably being truthful)

    “actually i did want to set up a wandering cricket side that played all those places with odd names – ugley, bitter end, tosson, loadofwankerslivehere” – most of those words are used every year when the england team play am I right? Those and “dismal, embarrassing, defeated, etc – I used to wind up ex by noting down the negative words used in commentary every single year to describe the england team – this went down a treat of course.

  6. http://www.opusdei.us/art.php?p=16367

    I must renew my membership at the local Opus –

    “……flagellate at will.”

    Or is that we flagellate each other instead of ourselves if so, is there a secretive religious group for this? If not, we should start one – my lating is non-existent but could google how to translate “Whipped into a frenzy” into latin and that could be the name of the group.

  7. ‘What about Upper and Lower Wallops?’ – have already played cricket there; and at the Slaughters (tho they should really feature in my fixture list). And run me through quite why you split up with your ex; it sounds a delightful relationship. Sadly, the only major team in world cricket words like that could currently be thrown at are the Windies, who have just been playing (figuratively) in Lower Slaughter. The only thing sadder than England managing to finish about third in the ashes is the fact that they are at least as good as any other team in world cricket bar australia and better than most. there is just a huge gap between australia and the rest.

  8. i really think opus dei should do convenience branches (a sort of sainsburys local for zealots) in case you forget to do your flagellating at the normal time and just need to pop in on the high street on the off chance. of course, if they follow the sainsburys local model, you’d have to put 10% more in the collection plate, and the flogging would be delivered by an uncaring 17yr old who would wander off in the middle to see why the communion wine was out of stock for the customer at pew 4. they would also be unable to work out how to scan your nectar card.

  9. Do you wander around the drinks section in a confused daze, overwhelmed by the choice? Well we can help with helpful hints and information. Our buyers have also recommended a drink of the month for you to try..
    Fizzy drinks?

  10. I am dead impressed sw – you managed to mention sainsbury’s! But I think, Inifidel, that getting pissed up from booze bought at sainsbury’s (say hi to Mabel if she is still working there) would be cheating with the flagellation – self in induced or otherwise – anyone could flagellate if drunk enough – it would be a case of “ohhh, s/he’ll sure feel that tomorrow” – but it’s still cheating – you have to flagellate stone cold sober – that’s da rules babes.

    “and run me through quite why you split up with your ex; it sounds a delightful relationship. ”

    In a nutshell, and not necessarily in this order –
    He was an asshole
    He would throw toys out of pram if I did not let him have his rights in the conjugal dept.
    He was tight-fisted and a total control-freak
    He never threw anything away and took over the house with all of HIS stuff – only HIS stuff was worth anything.

    And also, he dominated the house all summer, every summer with examples as follows:

    ” Sadly, the only major team in world cricket words like that could currently be thrown at are the Windies, who have just been playing (figuratively) in Lower Slaughter. The only thing sadder than England managing to finish about third in the ashes is the fact that they are at least as good as any other team in world cricket bar australia and better than most. there is just a huge gap between australia and the rest.”

    (Only your way of saying it is much more interesting and doesn’t sound like Bitchy Renault or The Booming Boycott – she said grovelling hoping sw will not take offence – in a word – last reason – cricket – or, the fact that the house was too small for the 6 of us – 6 being, him, myself, boycott, renault, martin, and of course -retired now- the revered – *makes sign of cross* – Dicky “Mr Smiley” Bird) I am sure I missed out a couple but those were the main irritants – at least Bird did not speak 🙂

    I bet you’re sorry you asked – now, where is my special pack of whips that I got on special at sainsbury’s – I need to off-set some rage – I showed them my opus membership card and got a “buy one get one free” deal).

  11. Ps – I forgot the most important issue of all in my list of reasons as to the breakup – he was a tory! (I am assuming you are referring to the breakup of my marital relationship and not to the latest one – come to think of it – list of reasons is mostly the same).

  12. Women should be able to make their own decisions about their bodies and their future. Not one man will ever have a baby, ever. If one does, however, he should be able to make his own decision about his body and his future. So, I can’t say anything about it. Where is my prize?

  13. “So, I can’t say anything about it. Where is my prize?”

    A prize for not saying anything? I would have no chance., ever – I did get the prize for eating the most doritos at an impromtu bar sitting one nite. I think the prize was more doritos.

    Anyhoo-I was not just talking about having babies either my friend Infidel – that was not even the issue -neither one of us wanted children, well, I could have wanted children if I’d been with the right person (I see that now) but isn’t hindsight a wonderful thing? Hindsight is one of my more honed talents but I still find it hard to learn from it.

    I get another prize for hindsight, but this is cancelled out by the fact taht I don’t learn from it – well, I think the penny has finally dropped but it’s taken me long enough – probably the length of time of columbos’ career- that’s long!

    Going into therapy tomorrow – wish me luck – that bastard finally ground me down enough to be referred to an nhs pshychologist which I asked ages ago for my doc to do – it won’t be an NHS A&E situation (although almost was at one point) so will not have to wait in the main waiting are for 2 weeks with my ticker-tape number -6993. Probably tell me I have a drug prob – I’ll say yeah, I have a problem , I don’ thave the right ones.
    Damn – was hoping to see Joergen, Rena and Mabel there.

    BTW – there was a documentary atout the Monkees the other nite!! – Mickey,Davie, Peter,and MIke (without the hat) were all there – Peter looke about 70, but that was cuz he ingested a lot of alcohol and other chemicals, but was funny – turns out quiet Mike was the one who was the rebel and kind of ruined their career – wonder if they would like to star in a new surreal series involbing secret cults, columbo, Sherlock holmes, paul bunyan, sainsury’s and an ex-charlie’s angel .

  14. Good to know the Monkees are still kicking. I’d like to think they had a jam and smiled. I think of long running detectives and Angela Landsbury Murder She Wrote comes immediately to mind, while out of the darkness Perry Mason appears- Raymond Burr, and I think to myself how cool it would be if Raymond Burrs’ Perry Mason were on the trail of some DEVIOUS Opus Dei cult spinoff of a Masonic Lodge. Sherlock of course has been around long enough, but he’s kind of like Dr.Who in that there has been very many takes on his character. Columbo is a solid character.

  15. This one doesnt’ really count as a detective but how bout Jim Rockford? I loved that.

    My dad hid my mum’s diamond engagement ring (this is connected) and for quite a few years, could not for the life of him remember where he hid it – (I don’t know why he hid it, I guess he was paranoid about burglaries – they were seriously robbed twice so I guess that’s why) – one night, he was watching his second favourite show- yep you guesss it – The Rockford Files (his fave was the Johnny Carson show – you can tell we’re going back a bit now) -suddenly he leaped up and went “voila! – the rock is in the file!” He had put it in his filing cabinet but don’t remember what letter it was under – “R” for rock or ring, “D” for diamond or “E” for engagement ring – but anyway, funny how the mind unscrambles things like that in your unconscious when you least expect it.

    Quincy was kind of a detective – he appointed himself most of the time above and beyond the call of etc – the best bit of that one was the intro where the rookie policeman faints.

    Had my appt – told the doc that if there was any chance that my ex-boss would see the record, no-way josie – he said he could not guarantee it so is referring me out of the area – this may not be poss but he will try – my ex-boss is/was a sociopathic bitch who made my life hell, and I checked just before I went to this appt to see if she was still around – yep she is – maybe I should be a detective. This is getting complicated.

    Maybe I should get my own blog – sorry for all this rubbish sw.

  16. Ironside, what a hoot!- invariably there would come a time during the course of the show when, it just so happened, a rolling guy in a wheelchair would get the best of an escaping criminal. It was almost as sure a thing as “Link” the afro-headed black cop in “The Mod Squad” making a leap. In my family “The Mod Squad” was the agreed upon fare for that evening, we were a large viewing family with one tv, as many as six of us kids and parents on any given night, so “The Mod Squad” and Link- we would wait for it, “The Leap”. Some situation would finally present itself; he would have to leap over a car to push Julie out of the way of a speeding car, or he would have to leap over some fence to tackle a perpetrator, or he would have to leap from one building to another in pursuit, and all of us would explode with glee! THE LEAP!

  17. The Leap – yeah, like leaps of faith or trust.

    Starsky and Hutch?

    Forgive me, I could elaborate with a lot of stuff, but I am feeling quite betrayed at the moment, but having your eyes opened is better than carrying on like a fool with everyone laughing at you – it’s easy to care about a lot of people with no names or familiar faces, but holding out an individual hand in an hour of need, to another indivicual, is the real test of any true caring – just a voice on the end of the phone for 10 minutes sometimes makes all the difference – I am really disillusioned.

  18. Daisy P – yessss! Get your own blog! I’d read it – and possibly contribute too 😀

    If we’re discussing the merits (or otherwise) of 80’s detectives… I loved – and still love – Cagney and Lacy. Now there’s a leap of trust.

    Don’t be disillusioned Daisy. We’re still out here.

  19. Yeah, what the hell is it with these 60s, 70s, and 80s detectives? Haven’t they found anything out yet. I mean if the plots are so predictable, wouldn’t you think a detective, a guy or gal with such stature could do better than Joe Blo sitting on the couch- especially by the time the 80s roll around and its the umpteenth time the missing body victim turns out to be the murderer, only there isn’t a murder then, is there?

  20. Hi and thanks for that Ms Witchy – again, I will not elaborate too much, but many lows have happened in my life (getting out my self-flagellating implements here again) but this one has just about taken it all – I’m not out of the woods yet – maybe a blog would help but I don’t want to bring people down – I do try to use humour to help cope..

    Just trying to think of a name for the blog has distracted me – but I think being a blogg-er as opposed to my hit and run commentating tactics, wearing different masks so to speak, helps me evade any direct attacks from those evil peopl we are fighting – I dont’ get caught too much in the terrorism against anti-porn bloggers you see. I did have a blog once though – it was for about 5 minutes, was very unimaginatively named, and did my head in – the responsibility of my own blog???? OMG.

    The reason I like the 70’s and 80’s detectives, especially Columbo, is that they are so safe, by safe I mean that they are comfortable, you know what to expect most of the time, same formulae, different characters, and they remind me of a time when I felt safe in my own life I guess. This is not saying I don’t like unpredictability, it’s just sometimes, you need to be reminded of stability in life when there is nothing else to hang on to – I could start going to church again, but instead I cling desperately onto Cagney, Lacey, Starsky, Columbo, yes, even the Angels I hate to admit.

    Back to the subject of “leaps” – I am out-leaping you all now – this is not a detective leap as such, but does involve detectives – the leap in Butch Cassidy and the SD Kid – the one where they have to jump off the cliff edge.

    “Raindrops keep falling on my head ….”

    Don’t get me started on Pink Panther – now that is comfort “detective watching”.

  21. This song makes me feel like I’m floating on a cloud (if listened to on decent speakers and not my crappy pc ones) – it’s one of my favourite songs – yes, floating way up above all the crap in the world (I have included the lyrics – they include the word p**n – but in the context of looking at it being a loser’s activity)

    I hope I matched the right lyrics with the right vid – I am posting another one by the same band in a min – this first one is for the music, the second for the vid – watch this space.

    “Destiny” be Zero 7

    I lie awake
    I’ve gone to ground
    I’m watching p**n
    In my hotel dressing gown
    Now I dream of you
    But I still believe
    There’s only enough for one in this
    Lonely hotel suite

    The journey’s long
    And it feels so bad
    I’m thinking back to the last day we had.
    Old moon fades into the new
    Soon I know I’ll be back with you
    I’m nearly with you
    I’m nearly with you

    When I’m weak I draw strength from you
    And when you’re lost I know how to change your mood
    And when I’m down you breathe life over me
    Even though we’re miles apart we are each other’s destiny

    On a clear day
    I’ll fly home to you
    I’m bending time getting back to you
    Old moon fades into the new
    Soon I know I’ll be back with you
    I’m nearly with you
    I’m nearly with you

    When I’m weak I draw strength from you
    And when you’re lost I know how to change your mood
    And when I’m down you breathe life over me
    Even though we’re miles apart we are each other’s destiny

    When I’m weak I draw strength from you
    And when you’re lost I know how to change your mood
    And when I’m down you breathe life over me
    Even though we’re miles apart we are each other’s destiny

    I’ll fly, I’ll fly home
    I’ll fly home and I’ll fly home

  22. The pubes on the funny-tasting toothbrush and the empty cans of dog food lying around as you eat your dinner are a dead giveaway that maybe you should call it a day and move on? (“Leap” into the unknown- trying to stay on a theme here) – I would love to make a vid like this one.

    Competition – what is the message here? UUmmmmm…….

    “Distractions” by Zero 7

    Fancy a big house
    Some kids and a horse
    I can not quite, but nearly
    Guarantee, a divorce
    I think that I love you
    I think that I do
    So go on mister, make Miss me Mrs you.

    I love you, I love you, I love you, I do
    I only make jokes to distract myself
    From the truth, from the truth.

    Fancy a fast car
    A bag full of loot
    I can nearly guarantee
    You’ll end up with the boot

    I love you, I love you, I love you , I do
    I only make jokes to distract myself
    From the truth, from the truth.
    I love you, I love you, I love you , I do
    I only make jokes to distract myself
    From the truth, from the truth.

  23. There was the leap in “The Day After Tommorrow” at the start of that movie when the proffessor, ice cores in hand, had to make that leap. The leap Wesley Snipes has to make in “U.S.Marshal”…well that’s actually more of a swing but it is pretty magnificent- speaking of which that brings to mind the spectacular leap Harrison Ford makes off the damn when he’s being pursued in “The Fugitive”. I am told the leaper of leapers has to be, or have been, Mikail Baryshnikov- this coming from John Madden former football coach and current color comentary for football(American) games, whos alway going “BOOM” here and “BOOM” there when hes describing a play while using the line drawing feature on a still video display during a broadcast, and he thinks if you could only have suited up Baryshnikov he could get the ball and just leap over the defenders. Leaping lizards, long haired leaping gnomes, leap frog.

  24. some points
    1) daisy we love you (well i do)
    2 ) don’t get your own blog cos then infidel would have to write all of this one on his own
    3) this IS your blog FPS (fer puke’s sake) – you write more than i do.
    and WTF is all this about bloody detectives??? it starts off all nicely with a few digs at big dave the slimy chameleon who is going to be progressively more rumbled every time he admits to a policy – real people will hate him because the policies are stupid and tories will hate him because the policies aren’t nearly stupid enough; it developed into a riff on the bloke in the dress who reckons all women are filty little hooers (or some such – and yes i remember he is scots rather than irish but it’s so much harder to write cliche scot) and now you’re all talking about bloody tv detectives; oh please! if you could all be as serious as me, i’m sure we would make headway. i got my mum to knit me a woolly jacket like starsky had; actually i think she gave up and made my grandma do it instead. that was a lot of wool.
    and talking about blokes in dresses, who saw rowan williams (‘simply wondered should save himself from going to hell and ruining society on the way by getting married, the sinful wee fecker’) on ‘what’s on your patch?’ in springwatch, being interviewed by a pink puppet with a voice like eccles from the goon show? another massive leap for religion. or maybe not – blokes in dresses / pink puppets with silly voices – both by definition equally well qualified to tell women (and indeed anybody else) what they can and can’t do with their lives.
    elvis costello – watching the detectives; thompson twins – we are detective.
    and i like it when a horse trained by jonjo o’neill wins and in the interview he is guaranteed to say ‘ah, he’s a moity lepper’
    and who are these zero 7 of who you speak???
    i shall now retreat into the sad haven of online neverwinter nights (google it – you know you want to…)
    love you all – i really must visit more; this is a nice blog.

  25. Hi sw – thank you for bequeathing you blog to me but really, you must keep up the tory-bashing – this is your job and you must take it seriously.

    Dont’ ask me how this detective thing has developed – it’s the random connections that make this so fun – dammit – I know you try so hard to be a tory basher so here is my bit – dave c getting on a bicycle, for one little photo-opp, to show how “concerned” he is for the environment – as transparently fake as the glass slipper in Cinderella.

    Re- blokes in dresses – I did not see rowan williams, but I did see chris moyles on that weird sat nite show – he was dressed up in full bridal kit – was pouting at the guy playing the dj – had pink iridescent lippy on and everything – good job I had my sick bucket to hand – he was also, in another little sketch, supposed to be imitating Davina McCall, and dressed all in black as such, wig, and more lippy – I was like that woman on little britain doing the projectile vomiting – bucket was rather redundant at that point – I just went straight to the window and let rip. The neighbours have given up taking any notice – I clean the guy’s windows underneath me for free.

    Leapers – was that not the “street” name of some drug? If so, I want some. Probably speed of some description – just remember, for every up, there must be a down (in this case, and almighty crash) – why on earth can there not be an automatic up for every down? Oh well, that would be defying physics, unless of course you lived your life on a trampoline (metaphorically or otherwise) – and even then, if you did not keep up the energy, the ups would eventually stop and you would be permanently down – waffling blah blah…..

  26. oh yeah, re- leapers or any other drug – disclaimer – “just say no” – shame you can’t “just say no” to the fucking pain -in-the-ass emotions that get shat up upon by fucktards. Ahem.

  27. Little Britain projectile vomiting ref for info:

  28. Youtube is the new google.

    The following film is rather long, will take about half an hour out of your life, but…. it contains rather a lot of leaping, some fish (not sturgeon though), a thinly-disguised character of sherlock holmes, drugs and is quite funny – note the houndstooth detect-mobile – I did not note any vomiting though.

  29. “and who are these zero 7 of who you speak???”

    Zero 7 are Britian’s answer to Air (French) both excellent “moody” groups.

    Sorry for all the posts sw – it’s Sunday morning and I’m all frayed round the edges. I pick you to annoy!

  30. One of my commentators Mr S Wondered wrote this – I took pity on him as every time he tries to whip everyone back on topic, they(errr..me) just wander right off talking about shit basically and posting youtube stuff. (God help me if I ever start making home vids.)

    S wondered said “and WTF is all this about bloody detectives??? it starts off all nicely with a few digs at big dave the slimy chameleon who is going to be progressively more rumbled every time he admits to a policy – real people will hate him because the policies are stupid and tories will hate him because the policies aren’t nearly stupid enough; it developed into a riff on the bloke in the dress who reckons all women are filty little hooers (or some such – and yes i remember he is scots rather than irish but it’s so much harder to write cliche scot) and now you’re all talking about bloody tv detectives; oh please! if you could all be as serious as me, i’m sure we would make headway.”

    I did an NVQIII in advanced seriousness but did not do very well. We all know Dave C is really only about 14 years old, tries to look older with that slicked-back hair and dark suit, but when he gets home, behind closed curtains, gels it up into spikes (the hair) like the chinese guy who rebels on that l’oreal advert who goes of with the rebellious girls (who also puts a globful of said gooey gel in her hair, from her secret gel stash hiddden in her desk – who thinks up these things?) WE all know he so desperately wants to please everyone but we all know it’s at least as pathetic, if not more, as David Mellor bopping around at (yes, another photo opp) trying to promote himself as “Minister of Fun” – the word “cringe” is too tame. More like, scraping fingernails across blackboard while having toenails pulled out – that king of feeling.

    Got lost in a youtube black hole yesterday – I even found a vid parodying a sainsbury’s ad which involved fish, and the fish counter!!!- couldv’e posted quite a few more vids and lyrics, especially of evanescence, but did not want to lighten the mood too much. Of particular note were the songs “Call me When you’re Sober”, My Immortal (lovely song), and Everybody’s Fool

    Oh hell, here’s another – you’re probably still watching the Coke Ennytime vid but I’ll put this one in the queue – I will ask questions about what message you get from this vid later – be prepared.

  31. Still indulging myself in the “darker” side of life – and no, this one just happened to cross my path, I did not go out of my way to find it:

    http://women.aol.co.uk/self-discovery

    (this link may not work forever just so you know)

    What’s your sign?

    Click underneath the “gemini” graphic.

    I wonder what sign Dave C is?

    Gosh, I would die without horoscopes, my forecast told me so.

  32. I’m a Sadgitarius.

  33. My last comment went to spam, that, or it’s sw discreetly telling me to zip it – I am 2/3’rds sadg anyway and as the thing says, don’t know when to stop – (I thought the sadg one was actually complimentary) – I get along famously with sadg’s. sorry Infidel.

    Going to look up scorpio now. (Yes, I did catch that)

    Here is a link (trying to keep to sw’s political anti-tory theme) – note the bit about the Carlton club – that sounds like the club where one of harry enfield’s charactar goes to expound how important he is, and how little he thinks of women – I fear this will warrant – yes, you guessed it – a possible youtube vid by way of explanation due to eyebrows being raised in question – “wtf is she on about now?”

    http://sport.aol.co.uk/golf/golf-clubs-targeted-over-inequality/article/20070612072209990006

  34. Nope – last 3 tries went to spam – giving up

  35. Nope – spam swatters do not like “mr important” youtube links

  36. Oh ok then, go to youtube, search “harry enfield important” and you should get the ones I mean – ffs.

  37. I forgot where they said it was, Penobscott or some such, anyway- some river where it used to be 80% fly fisherman and 20% recreational boaters but now it is the reverse and what is becomming a terrible hazard are the sturgeon jumping up out of the water and colliding with boaters and/or skiers. Then also the mullet(maybe what I was thinking when I said millet-duhh?) jump up and the guy who was getting interviewed said one had jumped up and smacked him right in the face, a mullet, and fell into the boat.

  38. funny you should mention the carlton club – i shall be there tomorrow evening; unsurprising given how much i love big dave and his chums.

  39. Hmmm, yes the Carlton Club, quite yes, how terribly haute yes, quite, yes, will you be hav’n a potata then, yes, quite.

  40. “Then also the mullet(maybe what I was thinking when I said millet-duhh?) jump up and the guy who was getting interviewed said one had jumped up and smacked him right in the face, a mullet, and fell into the boat.”

    Infidel, he was smacked in the face by Billie Jo Spear’s (or whatever that guy who sang “achey, breaky heart’s name is/was) haircut?

    “unny you should mention the carlton club – i shall be there tomorrow evening”

    Well then SW – you have the conversationsal etiquette as an example via Harry Enfield – or… if you come across the mr importants (plural used delib) – run a mile, or…… give them the url of the harry enfield youtube vid.

    Whatever…….

  41. It’s Billy Ray Cyrus, an American ICON, and you may as well be defacing a Mosque/Shrine that holds the remains of the great one’s sister’s brother in law’s wife’s nephew and the third cousin of the great one’s half brother’s second wife, when you get Billy’s name wrong English.

  42. Oh yeah, Cyrus – I could’ve googled it but I di d not feel he was worth the energy expenditure – I felt that the ref to “Achey, Breaky” would be more recognizable than his name anyway – where did I get Spears from? Related to Britney? – I did not realise he was an icon – his haircut sure is – it looks great when he does all that line dancing, thumbs all hooked into his pockets down the local Yee-Hah Saloon in Hicksville, Redneck county. Many apologies to any Americans I may have offended by my ref to his haircut – I did not make fun of it, only refer to it???- but I mean I can’t help it if Americans mostly have icons who are embarrassing. Oh, one more thing, I am not English I only live here heheheh!!!

  43. Americans mostly have icons who are embarrassing. Frogs mostly have skin that is slick. Toads mostly have skin that is rough. Lizards mostly have scales. I would start by naming all the insects I could think of, then by way of the arachnids the crustacians, lobsters, crabs. Jelly fish and octopii or pi would be next moving on to the fishes- then amphibians and reptiles. I might dote upon the dinasours as I wandered into naming birds I know the names of, corncrakes newly among the finches, hummingbirds, owls, falcons, eagles, thrushes, sparrows, ducks, and vultures. After that I think mammals or is it mammils or mammels, at any rate spelling wouldn’t concern me- eveyone knows a camel or cammel, I think as far as individual species I know more mammals and this is in stark contrast to the actual numbers of species per the different branches of life to my understanding- like insects represent orders of magnitude more individual species then the vertebrates and reptiles way more then mammils. Oh! yeah the American Icon- I give you the Bald Eagle.

  44. I like blogs with lots of pictures.

  45. 1. Why do the English….?
    2. What is a “Limey”?
    3. How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    4. An Englishman, an Arab, and a Columbian walk into a bar…
    5. Where does “Bloody” come from?
    6. Is there a connection between Uncle Ben and Big Ben?
    7. How do you keep “the Kings’ Cross” and “the King’s cross” straight?
    8. Was King Arthur the first king of England?
    9. Luftwaffe sounds so much more menacing than RAF so what’s in a name?
    10. What are the Falkland Islands to the English?
    11. If an English man rolled his “r”s, would he be Irish?
    12. What’s a “Trollip”?
    13. Is there a famous English ballet dancer?
    14. Fish must be a brain food, look at the English.
    15. What do the English think of the French?

  46. Oh to live on
    Sugar Mountain,
    With the barkers and the colored balloons

  47. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with freedom and justice for all.

    indivisable, indevisabel, indivisibil, indie visible, indavisabul, indivisi….

  48. …liberty and justice…
    duh
    ..when your writing it its hard to sleepwalk.

  49. one nation, under God, indivisible, with freedom and justice for all.

    indivisable, indevisabel, indivisibil, indie visible, indavisabul, indivisi….

    INADVISABLE surely…

    fidel – iapologise for my lac of attention – you’re not the only one sleepwalking here – and i will give you a list of 15 answers to your 15 questions as soon as i can – they will not be good answers but hey… what’s a fella to do?

  50. Inadvisable,. leave it to the English to know english, you wouldn’t be so cocky if Spanish were our national language.

  51. …and what in the hell are the origins of blimey?

  52. now that i can help you with: i believe it’s a contraction of god blind me – in it’s fuller version coming down to ‘gorblimey’ (also a type of headgear apparently) or ‘cor blimey’. the delightful gadzooks was perhaps god’s hooks and odds bodkins may be either god’s bodkins (small knives – see hamlet) or god’s boddikins (god’s [diminuitive] body – presumably our chum the word made flesh himself jesus). though mch nonsense is talked and written aout these oaths so it’s hard to know what’s crap and what’s not even in consulting the dictionary. and that’s not even the nonsense that gets into wikipedia.

  53. Thanks S’ondered for a’that

  54. Richard, did you get my email that I didn’t get your email?

  55. sorry, all wrapped up in my anonymity, your welcome to delete, meant to insult, never meant to offend, sorry Violet- got carried away. Got pissed off. What are you doing here? I’ve been reading my eyes blind about ECT. You don’t know how really interesting Reclusive topics are and most of the strings, and most of the posts. There’s so much to learn and so many sources. Heres to the Web- hip hip hooray, hip hip hooray. To the East Ky yie yie yieye, to the West Ky yie yie yieye, To the North Ky yie yie yieeye yieeye yieeeye. Gertrude? Gertrude? Y-y-your Arni Socknoosum aren’t you, we’re going to the center of the Earth! Gertrude? I was hungry, Arrrgh! bRRRRROOOOM!!!! (Volcano Exploding) Uh can I borrow that sheep.

  56. 1. Why do the English….? fuck knows -ask them! (But don’t ask d cameron – he’ll only waffle)

    2. What is a “Limey”? (the British sailors used to suffer from scurvey due to lack of fresh fruit and vegetables when out to sea for long periods – sir – somebodyorother discoverd that eating limes (vit c) cured the problem – hence limey’s nickname for errrrr.. limeys!
    3. How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? There are never enough – it’s always so goddam dark over here that if the light bulb stocks have not run completely out, there is a shortage of light-bulb installers to go round for the demand for these dark-sucking tools.
    4. An Englishman, an Arab, and a Columbian walk into a bar… – hurt their heads.
    5. Where does “Bloody” come from? I don’t fekkin know – but I discoverd it’s kinda a BAAAD word over here like over here they think Yanks use the word “goddam” all the time – they don’t – not sure about “bloody” – is it to do with menstruation? (sorry should have worded taht in a proper english – type way – “is it to do with a ladie’s monthly biological cycle?” of summit.
    6. Is there a connection between Uncle Ben and Big Ben? Big Ben runs on tiny grains of rice falling, rathrer like in ah hour-glass, in it’s time-keeping apparatus – Uncle Ben’s was specially requested as the rice of choice, beating Rice-a-Roni hands down.
    7. How do you keep “the Kings’ Cross” and “the King’s cross” straight? You focus your eyes.
    8. Was King Arthur the first king of England? No, Merlin the Magician was actually the real king. Yanks belive what they like – Merlin’s base was Stonehenge.
    9. Luftwaffe sounds so much more menacing than RAF so what’s in a name? you tell us Infidel!
    10. What are the Falkland Islands to the English? A pain in the ass – or were – ask Maggit Thatcher,
    11. If an English man rolled his “r”s, would he be Irish? No, he would be speaking English properly. Irish people don’t put “r’s” in where there arent’ any, as the Enlish do exp – cinemar.
    12. What’s a “Trollip”? A whore (is that spelled right or am I thinking of Antony Trollop?)
    13. Is there a famous English ballet dancer? Darcy Bussel
    14. Fish must be a brain food, look at the English. Yes,, the English have enough rain to survive as fish, and they smell kind oily and of the sea oohhh arrrrhhh(the west country peopel DO roll their R’s)
    15. What do the English think of the French? The Engish prefer not to think of the French all and the feeling is mutual – but there is an underlying respect (which each side are both scared of acknowleding in case people’s heads started rolling again when they bring back the guillotine ). Sacre’ bleu!

  57. 9. In the name of the Royal Air Force, “never…have so many owed so much to so few…”

  58. Yes Infidel, the RAF kicked the Luftwaffe in the ass big time and I would not be here typing this (with no typos at all this time) if not for them.

  59. Simply, you’re either terribly occupied or joyfully occupied to leave us alone in a place for us. I sincerely hope you haven’t gone and put polonium in Dave C’s faux gras at the Carlton and gotten yourself pinched.

  60. dear all
    (or ‘fidel and daisy’, as i refer to the entire reader-writership of the blog)
    i am not hugely occupied in either a wonderful or terrible way, nor have i been ‘pinched’ (as you somewhat indecorously put it) for offences against my great chum big dave (officially the second most popular leader of a major political party in this country, as he proudly told me just the other day).
    i shall, however, be re-considering my subscription to the daily mail in the light of their unjustified campaign to blacken his name, purely for going off to rwanda to buy fairtrade coffee or whatever he was doing there. perhaps reviewing just how much damage a truly crap government can inflict upon an innocent population – well, with the works of the mighty thatch now a distant happy memory for the tories he has to find an appropriate model of destruction. i can tell you strictly on the quiet, he got some pretty handy tips from the rwandans on how to deal with floods in the home counties. he didn’t say quite what they were but they will certainly be a t the forefront of his anti-rain policy when my chum is in charge.

    it’s true this is currently a quiet place for us. i can only apologise, thank you all (both) for bearing with me and express the sincere hope i’ll be able to return to my usual (not desperately active) level of blogtivity soon. should anyone be worried – i’m fine and have my snorkel to hand in case of flash floods in west london.
    in the meantime, vote cameron – he’ll make sure it doesn’t rain. and he likes polar bears.
    i will be back with you gain soon – ish… if you get desperate, there are plenty of columbo reruns on the telly.
    love from the wonderer
    xxx

  61. …”what you’d like to say to the delightful, insightful, tastefully clad Cardinal Keith O’Brien”…

    When Moses, Abraham, or Solomon “spread their seed” to populate the land, it can’t actually be considered seed, but must be considered gamete, you see, Patriarchs though they be, they only contribute half of the eventual embryo. You always must consider the other half. We aren’t just children of Abraham or Adam’s decendents. Women bore the children, and they have always born the responsibility. What possible good can come from a Cardinal’s chirp from his celebate bush. Are there any female Cardinals?

  62. Well said Fidel – SW I too was having a bit of a hiatus for various reasons. …. ish.

    Of course what popped out immediately from your “popping head back up from the covers to tell us you are ok” post was the one about an “anti-rain” policy – shit, I would even vote dave c in if he could do that – but…… he would have to prove he could do it first before I voted – if only all pre-election promises could be done like this – anyhooz – if he could prove that he could stop rain, no, I will go one BIG step further and say, if he could MAKE THE SUN COME OUT AND STAY OUT FOR MORE THAN 15 MINS, nay, even give us 2 months of summer, I would move him into 10 Downing st myself.

    I heard a report the other day that some scientists in the States are working away trying to figure out ways to control weather – the report stated that, according to discusssions about which area/country could be used for their “experimentaion”, apparently it was suggested that the UK would be top of the list because , “well, they get so much rain over there anyway, a little more would not be noticed, and they’re used to it” -Guh? Maybe they’ve started their experiments already – if so, can’t wait til they send us a heat wave between Dec and April. I will try to find an address to send my request – weather to order – how great will that be? – yeah, at the moment, it’s called “getting on a plane and going to Florida or the Bahamas”. For those who cannot afford that, I think many are desperate enough to make their own make-shift raft and sail themselves over there just to get away, but that would mean having to navigate a big body of water for a long while, the very thing they want to get away from.

    Yours soggily and SAD-ly in SW london, also with snorkel.

    Daisy

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