blimey – i’ve just fought my way through the door, past a pile of junk mail as towering and phallic as a priest’s ego, choked on dust as thick as a tory councillor, the gas has been cut off and just from a brief inspection of the lifeforms that have evolved in my fridge, i have to admit it’s been a little while. i will answer your sarky comments on the thread where they appear and i am preparing a post that will truly change the world. however…
in the meantime, it’s not as if i don’t have many and varied things to be delighted and furious about. it is truly gratifying that no sooner does the primordial ooze in the tory party get extra daring and bubble up a policy for my mate dave to wrap his gorgeous pouting lips around than the voice of reason speaks from the shires (or wherever that bloke hails from) to whine that the dark ages are a glorious place to live (wow the sentence is so long; my stay at the henry james academy of period was indeed worthwhile) and some people just don’t deserve better than a secondary modern anyway. hoorah for the tories and their ability to keep opening their mouths every so often to remind you that:
a ) they’re still alive (bother it all)
and b) ah yes… THAT’S why we hate the bastards
however, the subject of our competition (and focus for my all-too-often-aroused ire) is a scottish bloke in a dress who reckons some old chap in the sky tells him abortion is “an unspeakable crime”, a “social evil”, “the wanton killing of innocents” who are “murdered in their mother’s womb” (at the very least, someone has misplaced an apostrophe – just saying). my challenge to you, my beloved writers/readers – for are we not all both of these? – is to put in the comments exactly what you’d like to say to the delightful, insightful, tastefully clad Cardinal Keith O’Brien (can’t be too many other Cardinal Keiths around, can there?). prizes will be awarded for conciseness, wit and pure old-fashioned rudeness. and if anyone wants to say anything to these dangerously emotive words of feminazi Ann Furedi from some wooly liberal baby-murdering group: “abortion is a safe, legal and medically-legitimate procedure” not to mention her radical assertion that “Women should be able to make their own decisions about their bodies and their future” (HAH!!!) then feel free to open fire. prizes as ever are yet to be decided (not to mention entirely imaginary) but will each include a free eucharist for two – with food and drink; a week in a mud hut featuring lots of unpleasant diseases; and definitely NOT the chance to look through Galileo’s telescope – courtesy of our new sponsor the Catholic Church of Scotland. wonder what big dave would think of that!
oh yes – we’re back… flagellate at will.