bloody homework

well apparently i have to make some list of stuff about things – why do i participate in such blog-related chain-letter stuff which means i have to write about me… ahahhhh! i have just realised it is an illuminating and artistic exercise that will be of interest to my vast readership. how can i deny my public?.

A – Available or Single? no idea; ask my CLP and see what response you get.

B – Best Friend? CLP as above.

C – Cake or Pie? pie eternally, pastry being the food of the gods. (preferably with potato and onions therein)

D – Drink of Choice? tea – virtually any style any way any where, but preferably no teabag and no sugar

E – Essential Item? probably my cricket bat (or should that be my box?)

F – Favorite Color? you know… i’ve never really been able to decide. it’s all so visual and (as one may deduce from an entirely word-based blog) i’m not. let’s say whatever colour you, my readers, prefer. it’s so interactive round here.

G – Gummi Bears or Worms? worms – liked them as a kid and we never had gummi bears (filthy german invention); anyway, they are so good for the soil and leave the door open to the possibility of a really weak mediaeval christianity-related pun. (diet of worms – for the one person on the planet who is yet to groan at it)

H – Hometown? North Shields – always in my heart (no really – sad but true)

I – Indulgence? good wine; doesn’t have to be expensive, but made with care and dedication and drunk with friends – but not champagne, that’s just muck with bubbles in it.

J – January or February? January – you get more for your money and there’s less of the year gone so less guilt at having done nothing with it.

K – Kids? horribly, stupidly in love with mine

L – Life is incomplete without… art – specifically theatre; not the rsc stuff, particularly, but small productions with good actors up close where you can see their eyes, working inventively and honestly. it lights up life and has been lighting up mine ever since i first went.

M – Marriage Date? nobody’s told me about it…

N – Number of Siblings? classic spoiled only child

O – Oranges or Apples? apples – off my tree on the balcony in my urban oasis

P – Phobias/Fears? – i’m not sure i fear anything. when my dad died i decided if i could handle that i could handle it all – i’m not so certain that’s true, but i don’t have anything to fear as such. we deal with anything – that’s what my mum managed to do and she had so much more to deal with than me, so i should be able to have a go at that too. there are a lot of things i would hate to happen, but oddly i don’t feel like i fear them – what difference would it make?

Q – Favourite Quote. none or too many and as this is my choice, i shall opt for too many:

‘ain’t it just like the night to play tricks when you’re trying to be so quiet…’ – and the whole bloody lyric, damn you, bob

‘the moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on: nor all your piety nor wit

shall lure it back to cancel half a line nor all your tears wash out one word’

prospero’s speech beginning ‘ we are such stuff as dreams are made on …’

‘let’s go’ ‘ we can’t’ ‘why not?’ ‘we’re waiting for godot’ ‘ah yes…’

ode to a nightingale – one long quote; it’s so good it’s like dylan

‘and now abideth faith, hope, love; these three – but the greatest of these is love’ (sorry; i’ve bastardised the king james because i want sugar on my jam on my chocolate)

R – Reasons to smile. CLP, the boys being good, the boys being bad, coming back and seeing the boys after a week, a day, 10 seconds…, friends, that first pint on a summer evening, taking a good catch, taking any catch, people who enjoy writing and reading at my blog, someone being kind for no apparent reason, reading over a piece i’ve written or edited and thinking it’s as good as i can make it, walking round the boundary at a certain time as the afternoon just starts to become evening with a pint in hand, seeing my chillis grow, having been up against it on a tricky pitch and finally hitting a ball for four after overs of grafting, anyone getting my sense of humour, the cork coming out clean from a bottle of 40 year-old port, dylan, moments when for no particular reason you feel the shaft of sunlight hit your soul, a successful run chase, just breathing sometimes, life, death, anything, nothing, everything

S – Season? summer – the first half of the cricket season when you remember that you can still score runs after all and stiff limbs manage to move quicker than you dared hope

T – Tag Three. do i even know three who haven’t been tagged? i’d love to tag daisy and fidel, but you’d have to do it here, so i’ll try teacup newt, manxome and aradhana. i don’t even know how you tag someone – great playing a game without quite knowing the rules…

U – Unknown Fact About Me. i have appeared naked on stage and screen

V – Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animals? i am frequently nasty to pigeons and imprison small dogs to power my home using treadmills; would probably make cutting remarks about cats but i fear their powerful lobby of supporters.

W – Worst Habit? laziness, lack of concentration (probably laziness) – or agreeing with people putting almost directly opposed viewpoints

X – X-rays or Ultrasounds? who cares, but i really hate the conservative party and wish the blight on the planet of right wing politics and hatred would just fuck right off and leave anyone who cares remotely about people not money to try and run this place a little less horribly.

Y – Your Favorite Foods? potatoes, onions and anything that contains them… also everything else in quantity please with just a little more of that thank you very much – oh i couldn’t … well if you insist, just to be polite (oh yes alphabites and potato waffles – that’s for me online mum and her boring friend sarah and her annoying kids who are so not as grown up as me, whatever she says)

Z – Zodiac? scorpio – couldn’t you guess???

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64 responses to “bloody homework

  1. I am not boring…..
    you’ll want the homework marking then? gold stars and everything?

  2. Tagged?! How could I possibly follow up something like item V? Ah, I suppose I do need a break from the old 60 hour work week. Damn, you’re crafty.

  3. “A”nd ‘Wish I’d Said That’ gets bumped off the front page. “B”utter on toast with honey. “C”old beer after a softball game on a summer evening. “D”eer coming out of the woods, standing long enough to check out the grace and beauty. “E”veryone who’s touched my life. “F”lavor of food. “G”oogle, which has replaced my resident brain knowledge and makes me sooo smart. “H”aving been “I”nspired to “J”ot down stuff because, perhaps, “K”indness seems “L”ikely to be “M”anifest in Simply Wondered. “N”ice people. “O”prah gives away millions. “P”ower in the hands of humanists. “Q” and all the yous that follow. “R”eclusive Leftist. “S”imply Wondered. “T”igers, a white tiger at the Cincinnatti Zoo that winked at me. “U”K and those weird people who inhabit it. “V”ision of a peaceful future. “W”inston Churchills final biography by Manchester anyway. “X” and any other psuedonym Daisy Puke is using. “Y”ES- I can still hear something new and pleasing. “Z”Z Top since z is like x and doesn’t get much use.

  4. now that’s why i like this place (for us)

  5. B+

    Marked down for the passage in parenthises included in section Y which has been deemed as “showing off”. (You’d have got a “see me” if I wasn’t in such a good mood.)

    You were doing so nicely up till then…

  6. ‘s’ is for smug git – i blame the parents

  7. and doesn’t she *tut* so very well…..

  8. Regina Phalangee

    Do we all do one of these Master SW? Shall we exhange tit-bits of info about our secret lives using the alphabet as a prompt? From A to Zed Cars? (or Zed Zed Top if you like) who were a local band when I was growing up sshhhh).

  9. ya know, RP, i hope you do what pleases you here (i’m too old now to worry about pleasing everyone else); you can do nothing; do as fidel did and give us a very personal riff on the subject; you can post one as a comment; or if you like you could become my first guest poster (lord knows how we do that but there will be a way) and present it as my next post… as ever, you choose (or none of these…)

  10. I’m just glad we don’t have to do the Chinese alphabet.

  11. Oh I don’t know…I think doing homework in the Chinese alphabet could be fun for those of us who are unfamiliar with it.

    We could make up our own questions and no-one would be any the wiser…

  12. We’d have to have access to an entire ‘nother character set, that is unless we’d make them up phonetically. Diii wahh tsiuew meee hah tchzin.

  13. …and no it isn’t a word scramble so don’t waste your time Regina.

  14. How about Klingon?

  15. “Maltxz, Hiauooo Chooo!” -Klingon for ‘beam me up’

  16. http://www.klingon.org/database/audio/quotes_misc.html

    ST III: “Maltz. Activate beam!” Kirk imitating Klingon (wav file, 87kb)

  17. Oh that is truly sad ….

  18. There is a Hamlet written in Klingon, and several Klingon/English dictionaries!

  19. I know, and Jedi was recognised as a religion in a census not long ago….

  20. Worshipping a force. F=MA. So a MASS would be the force divided by acceleration. Think about that a minute. The force divided (light side/dark side) and in space no acceleration due to gravity (space has no mass) so acceleration has to come from some sort of propulsion, and it is that very acceleration that divides the force. You may as well say “Be still” as “May the force be with you” – it is the same.

  21. **carefully mops up melted brain before backing slowly from the room**

  22. Perhaps some tea with your crumpets? Now, that’s better. Here, then, it puts the lotion on its skin. It rubs the lotion on its skin. Fuk’n moths, get outta here! It rubs the lotion on its skin.

  23. Thanks sw for the invite – as you said somewhere else on this blog – normal (normal? god help me) service will be resumed shortly.

    Yes Fidel, I know it’s not a word scramble – I do know that I am going to have “B” represented by Bananas or Blogs, and that “F” willl be represented by “Flying F**K” (as in “did you see peter and jordan last nite in their latest episode of the new gripping-self-promo, attention-seeking,edge-of-seat-and-grinding-teeth-in-boredom reality series? you know the ones that make sure they (she)keeps them(her)selves in the public’s mind, you know, the latest reality docu-vomit episode about them?” – “no, I don’t give a……..see “F” above.)

    Normal service slowly resuming – mind the gap!

  24. Worshipping a force. F=MA. So a MASS would be the force divided by acceleration. Think about that a minute. The force divided (light side/dark side) and in space no acceleration due to gravity (space has no mass) so acceleration has to come from some sort of propulsion, and it is that very acceleration that divides the force. You may as well say “Be still” as “May the force be with you” – it is the same.

    “D” will be for “Dark Suckers” or “Darth Vader” – can’t decide – “the force divided, light side- dark side” should be “undark side-sucked side” – get your physics right Fidel!

  25. Sorry, should have put that first paragraph above in quotes – Fidel will think me plagiarising- did I say normal service? Guh

  26. undark side – unsucked side – F*****g hell! Dammit to hell!

  27. Suck, blow, suck, blow- with light the breath of the cosmos. Suck, blow, suck, blow- and sight, conciousness, lifes blood, we are the heart that pumps the blood=conciousness. Suck, blow, suck, blow, as air through lung renews hemoglobin to provide oxidation in cellular respiration so too do we, um…, we uh…, yeah!, we take in the light(breath) and through sight/conciousness communicate to each other(pump that conciousness out into a network{circulatory system}). Suck, blow, suck, blow.

  28. Regina Phalangee

    So, that’s “C” for consciousness – also anothe r”C” for Collective consciousness.

    D for “Does Exactly what it says on t’tin” (If only the rest mass consumerism and the products we buy could be that simple.

    ….gettin there …. still recovering from long bout of “head-f**k by buider b/f” – my creative juices need to start flowing again to rescue Rena and god knows who else and invent a super-hero to come to earth and destroy all builders with their poisoned minds. other than that, things are peachy keen!

    P for Peachy!!

  29. Regina Phalangee

    Here’s another “F” – F for Footie or as the Americans know it “S” for sokkerrr.

    (A translator may be needed for Yanks watching this … and sorry, I have taken the lazy route of googling and youtubing for stuff and posting a link rather than link in to my own imagination – thankfully – but here it is anyway)..

  30. Regina Phalangee

    “T” for Tory Boy – just for you SW……

  31. “L” is for “Labour”, “L” is for “Lice” (“L” is for “Laughter”)

    No one escapes from Harry’s scrutiny.

    Can you tell what I have been doing this morning? Can you tell what search words I have put in youtube?

    “L” is for “loony”

    “L” is for “Les and Lance” (2 more Harry Enfield characters who are hilarious).

    I did change my ID to keep it from getting monotonous – if I can’t change the comedian, change the ID so it doesn’t look like I’m obsessed with Harry.

  32. Errrr…. you do realise that those were not real lice and no lice were harmed in the making of that, and that the irony of the vid was that it was an exaggeration of a party political broadcast that the conservatives might use against labour. Only conservatives were harmed in the making of that film – ok – explaining the joke makes it not a joke anymore.

  33. No…yeah…no I thought it was hillarious. Who is talking now? Who are you talking to?

  34. I’m talking to you dear reader, whoever that may be – of this blog – this is not a chat room. And you know who I am!

  35. *itch itch* *scratch scratch*

  36. I thought the soccer, ur, uhm, football(yeah right) contest was especially funny.

  37. Infidel (yes, I am addressing you) – having sat on both sides of the “pond” on this subject of various sports which involve mostly men, kicking around some sort of ball, and generating vast amounts of allegeiance-related gladitorial testosterone, it is necessary, on each side of the big pond, to claim whatever sport is dominant as the “F” word – in other word, in Britain, what is known as “Sokkerrr” in the States is Football (or “footie) – the American version of Football, which is actually a bastardised version of what is know over here as Rugby, is known over there as Football. Funnily, over here, the “bat and ball” sport known as “cricket” (or creekeet as geoff boycott would say – or as bitchy renault would say – “that’s nye-deen for six” – it’s ok sw knows what I mean I hope) – as for the “bat and ball” malarkey – it is interesting that the Brits do not refer to Baseball (far better IMO) as “American Cricket” nor do the Yanks refer to Cricket (when they even acknowledge that the sport exists, and when they do, argue that it is even a sport) as such – ie, cricket – ie, “Baseball on Valium” – (sw will be mightily offended that I have said this – however, I have mentined before that the sport of cricket and the booming voice of the boycott and the incessant drone of the renault, when I lived with my yorkshire-bred ex, used to take over the whole house for days on end – whole summers in fact so my opinion is somewhat biased – I even tried understanding the “rules” of cricket, but not even the referees understand all the rules so what hope had I? I do know what “knocked for six”means – that’s about it – it’s the equivalent of a home run to Yanks).

    I did not make these rules, I only observe and report – do not shoot me, I am only the messenger – wtf did Ijust write? lol

  38. I’m sorry, the little blind girl sitting by the dumpster in the ally on that cold snowy evening selling matches with the beat up, red yarn haired, rag doll did what to your homework?

  39. U – Unknown fact about me – I have appeared on a reality tv show (not naked) but in a tankini in a jacuzzi after being a guinea pig for having my teeth whitened. And you think the made-up stuff is weird?

    Fidel – what?

  40. I am at a loss. So I looked deep within myself. I believe in threads, even as fragile as they are. What I came up with is Raggedy Anne. I don’t have any reason why, but she’s there, along with Winnie the Pooh(preDisney)….so in response to “wtf did I just write?”…you know…Raggedy Anne ??@!…??

  41. Ok Raggedy/Infidel – that was too deep for me – I am very shallow and thick — here is me at work – you see, ork interferes with what I like get up to, such as using the paid time to have fun commenting on blogs – it is British Customer service at it’s best – I set the standard:

    http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=computer+says+no&search=Search

    (I did not double check the link before posting but assume it’s ok -you know what my mom used to say “Assume makes and “Ass” of “U” and “Me” – ok I’m an ass!)

  42. Yep, I am an ass – the link was a whole list of vids not the vid itself (which was at the top and had spanish subtitles for some surreal reason)
    Try this one – C is for “Computer says no”:

  43. Infidel – this thread is like a spider’s web – looks delicate but is actually one of the strongest materials in the universe- I defy you to get deeper than that – oops sorry……. “S” for Spider web. Have I done “S” already?

  44. When I post it seems almost as if I have erected an upright structure which then can have beams nailed into it, extending it right or left. Then if I post again a fence starts to take shape. If the posting eventually comes round to the original post I have contributed to the building of an enclosure. Of course the Blogmaster in charge of the site decides the general topic of my original post, otherwise I can be accused of thread drift, which when you close your eyes and imaging a thread drifting, you might see at the end of it a small spider. Spiders often jettison their silk out their spinnerettes into a breeze which carries them on a wind borne sojourn into the unknowable, spiders being of little brain and all without what we might consider a cogent imagination. Also carried on the breeze are millions of pollen, spores, mites, flakes of dead skin, hair, dirt, pollonium, strontium90, dried milk flakes, and cigarette smoke. Inside the newly built enclosure is kept a thought pool. Fish swim in this thought pool, they are spontaneously generated and do not evolve from some lesser being. The fish are called “millet”. There is no reason for them being called “millet”- they just are. Or “R” as the saying goes. What is millet?

  45. Infidel – I think you have “outdeeped” me – you totally lost me – I think you are related to S Hawking or maybe Socrates – but I think it is called being absolutely gaga – which of course you are, as I am and anyone with any sense would be. Back on topic

    “H” – Hometown – without giving too much away, my hometown, or place of birth and childhood, also begins with an “H”,in a state that begins with “T” – some would consider it “Hell” (my parents do), I have no affectations for the place either, hence which is why I am over here and not over there (that’s the simple explanation).

  46. ps- what is millet? Millet is one of the few grains which is alkaline – it’s quite flavourless and hippies eat it quite a lot as it can be useful for making into veggie burgers – it is also used in uncooked form to feed birds and is usually mixed up in birdfood concoctions – description – it looks like tiny yellow seeds.

    Now, don’t get me started on quinoa.

  47. Boy?

    New post required, methinks.

  48. no, no new post yet – no one has completed their own alpha-bits – but I did try sw.

    OK – of course this blog may belong to you, but it’s us commentooters who really call the shots heheheh.

  49. A new post. a Fresh post. A post so very exiting that it makes your ears rise up on the sides of your head. A post to begin a thread so important, so human, so as to elicit multiple epiphanies and countless revelations. Begin that most high and mighty posts oh one of simple and wondering truths. Be not one to let us stray, but lead us on the path of true blogism into the light of community and wealth of nations. Give us cyberexistentialism in the new, exiting, fresh post I know is forthcomming- please, please don’t let us down. Now….post. post. Post. POST. POST!! POST POST POST POST POST POST. *there is a multitude chanting “post” at this point(no pressure)

  50. “how can i deny my public?.”
    Indeed

  51. ‘in a tankini in a jacuzzi’ – a spot prize to regina pukalozzi who used two made-up words together that nearly rhyme.
    would you like a mouse with its house or a paparazzi and pepperoni pizza delivered on a motoguzzi?

  52. okay you lot begged and i love the sound of begging (as i said to dave only the other night after we gave george a really good seeing-to)… above is what you have created.
    enjoy.
    or not.

  53. begging and gagging actually, if truth be told.

  54. now enter the competition and win eternal salvation.
    salivation?

  55. I prefer eternal salivation – I want a post that will make the hairs stand up under my tankini while I’m in the jacuzzi – that would make those hairs, even under the forceful pressure of the jacuzzi, still stand to attention- of course those would only be the stray ones left after the crap beautician waxes me from head to toe (as if…..).

    I want a post that will leave me gasping with post-orgasmic exertion, but that is better than an orgasm.

    I want a post that is the answer to life, love the universe, and that has more revelations than a busy confessional at the cathedral of patriarchy!!!

    The crowds are braying for “post blood” – give us what we want – (not saying it’s mob rule) – oh what the hell, yes it is, we want the post to end all posts – the mother of all posts!!!

    Yours Humbly

    Regina Tankini

  56. Yes, I am taking up the chant started by Infidel – “Post post post” you know, like they do on Deal or No Deal, the most cringing of programmes I find, for some reason, (greed is good thatcherism kind of atmosphere etc) where whenever the player wants the collective psychic forces of the audience, at a crucial time, to turn – a la Uri Geller style- the number in the box they have picked, yes, WILLING MENTALLY, sending allthe psychic forces that can be mustered by the audience, that the number in the box, even though it has been pre-picked to be in that box and may be a large denomination red number, yet the contestant turning around facing the audience, pleading and supplicating, gesture of hand out, palms up, up and down, please please, let it be a blue – demanding the chant of “blue blue blue blue” louder and louder – let it be a blue number – of course this works every time.

    (yes I know I’m a bit late with these “we demand a post to end all posts”errr… posts).

  57. oops — i haven’t been checking blogs much lately, or blogging myself much either! I just came across this … I shall complete the survey eventually! Thanks SW.

  58. ‘V’ had me belly laughing loud. Luckily I wasn’t at work. I might have had to explain myself. 🙂

  59. Where do the comments go before they get here?

  60. somewhere else i’d be thinking…

  61. I left commentary on the ABC….disappeared into the ethernet completely. Probably just as well.

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