phew! (ab)normal service resumed

the searches have been worrying me of late; they’ve not been well. the surreal, the pervy, the thoroughly inexplicable – all appear to have dropped noiselessly into a tedious millpond of averageness…

until yesterday. my heart sang once more, as i realised i had not only legions of chemists searching for things with long names i can’t even be bothered to cut and paste in here. there was more! a surrealist/ann boleyn fan/needleworker/lover of sexual euphemism that is frankly beyond me wanted to find +”long sleeve” +”over fingers” and they were sufficiently dedicated to add the punctuation. i tried the search with and without and they could have saved the extra effort – the results look much the same in each case – and frankly they were bloody lucky to get here. and one visitor was hoping for a virgin being raped. well, it’s not that i’m happy to see him per se, but at least he’s not polluting anyone else’s day and, you never know, somewhere among the surreality you might find many things here i had not considered. and a day just doesn’t feel complete without a tapper away at the gummed up keyboard, learning furiously to type left handed as his right clenches ever tighter into an irreversible fist of frustrated autoaffection – it’s what happened to thatcher, you know (though i don’t think that was actually the reason). there can be few sites where you are less likely to see this particular phenomenon – if for no other reason than that i would have to work out how on earth to upload visual images and then actually make the effort to do it. naturally, being a bit short of footage of such matters, i would have to google the damn thing myself and probably end up here and by that time i would have wandered off for a look at the cricket and a beer and forgotten what on earth i was doing until the police arrived to impound my machine. still, a day without a perve search is a day wasted, as me old granny used to say. i think that was it – i never really listened to her, so now feel free to make up all kinds of old shite in her name. she was a nice woman; with an outside toilet. sorry, gran.


91 responses to “phew! (ab)normal service resumed

  1. An indoor toilet beats two in the yard.

    I’d have said that if I was your granny.

    But I’m not.

  2. indeed not, mum…
    (think she’s losing it a bit)

  3. I got 2 indoor toilets. Useful when you have kids.

  4. Oh, I thought that witchys mental health *was* under question? It makes sense in this world of adults that when someone does not agree with you to simply write them off as barmy.

  5. and proud of it….

  6. very sane indeed according to my psychiatrist, colin.
    so ner ner nee ner ner.

    colin is an invisible pink moose. she has a diploma from cambridge.

  7. I got special online certification ……

  8. WW are we playing Toilet trumps?
    How many points for a composting loo?

  9. it was full of bloody compost, man!

  10. “It makes sense in this world of adults that when someone does not agree with you to simply write them off as barmy.”

    ….. and the problem with this is? No wonder people call me loony. IBTP.

    Of course, it is not generally known yet, but barking mad is the new sane.

    SW your friend dave is trying desperately to be “trendy” and a bit barking, but fake barking does not count. Esp fake and rich.

  11. Not meaning to do the corncrake thingy to death – oh well ok yes I am – here we are (dylan eat your heart out – whatever she was on wrting this, I don’t want any – well, cornflakes and raisins obviously – just another kellogs crunchy nut before her time). Maybe it was just a roomful of monkeys at keyboards and this was put together – on the other hand, there could be all sorts of symbolic mystical cosmic meaning in these lyrics, but if so, I can’t see them but seeing subtle cosmic (comic?) symbology – that’s never been my strong point.

    Cornflake Girl (lyrics)

    Never was a cornflake girl
    thought that was a good solution
    hangin with the raisin girls
    she’s gone to the other side
    givin us a yo heave ho
    things are getting kind of gross
    and I go at sleepy time
    this is not really happening
    you bet your life it is

    Peel out the watchword just peel out the watchword

    She knows what’s going on
    seems we got a cheaper feel now
    all the sweeteaze are gone
    gone to the other side
    with my encyclopedia
    they musta paid her a nice price
    she’s puttin on her string bean love
    this is not really happening
    you bet your life it is

    Rabbit where’d you put the keys girl
    and the man with the golden gun
    thinks he knows so much
    thinks he knows so much
    Rabbit where’d you put the keys girl

  12. the lyrics came from the random song generator machine – also available in two other flavours: suzanne (yellow/banana in my ear) vega and bruce (industrial blue collar) springsteen for when humans are just too busy to come up with stuff that may make sense.

  13. OH I dunno, suzanne’s made sense (I seem to recall – errr…most of the time?) and da boss well, he just sang about someone called Mary and a river and being working class most of the time??

  14. …”Suzanne takes you down, to her place by the river”….
    -Leonard Cohen-

  15. Sorry, just realised what puke is spelt backwards – a change is as good as a rest. Ekup? Nowhere near!

    I feel a “song lyrics” competition coming on for some reason – the weirder the better.

  16. I just realised I have the right topic, wrong thread, or is the other way round? (re- the corncrake issue which I can see has gone down a real treat). ;-o

  17. I remember one time I ekupped so many times in a row I nearly puked! I didn’t puke though. The chyme just sort of rose to the back of my throat so I would be tasting that bile taste for the next few hours. Then I started ekupping again.

  18. somehow ‘mad’ is no longer a relevant term…

  19. Similar experience ‘fidel in reverse – I once puked so much that I ekupped for days afterwards! I had eaten too many corncrakes you see.

  20. Their bills always get caught in my throat and then when I sing I sound like a corncrake. ekarcnroc.

  21. I sound like a corncrake anyway. Are you a crunchy nut ekarcnroc?

  22. What’s the conundrum today Ms (whiter than white big teeth) Vorderman?

    Melurbchubaleb – do do- do do -dodododo! Times up!

    (clue – it’s 2 words and sw likes it I think)

  23. I have memorized many nuts, hazelnuts, walnuts, almonds, peanuts, brazil nuts, macadamia nuts, pine nuts, pecans, filberts, corn nut(not actually a nut but a dried corn kernel that the ancient Incan messengers used to eat and carry in little bags when they had to run up and down mountains miles and miles to deliver in a timely fashion their message to the other Incan big shots or they might end up being the next sacrifice and get their hearts ripped out of their rib cage still beating and held in front of their terrified eyeballs) I think if I have to choose what nut I might be it would be a nut like what mates with a bolt.(but not without a washer)

    (Ed’s note: everyone duck – fidel is reciting foodlists again… by the pricking of me thumbs…)

  24. Ah I spotted the deliberate mistake – a peanut is not actually a nut – it’s a legume. Spelt backwards is Emugel. I have pointed that out for no reason whatsoever really except to remind all that the conundrum has remained unscrambled.

    Corn nuts are great but the Incas did not put as much salt on them I believe (they were conscious of their blood pressure) , also, this is the reason that many ended up with teeth like Carol Vorderman, as they cracked so many teeth on those darned hard crunchy things (see? i got the words “corn” and “crac”k in one sentence.

    ‘Fidel I could’ve sworn I have seen you in that special lane reserved for crunchy nutters driving home speedily to feed their addiction. Or are you a secret crunchy nut feeder? “OH mate, it was bad last nite – went thru 2 boxes – no milk – just straight outta the boxes – my jaw is sore today”.

  25. I am an Ice Eater.
    They ate ice when the cold came
    with tongs
    out of bowls- it got them ready for Ciabatta Rolls five days old.
    Conumdrum? What is your conundrum?

  26. Fidel you are not a uk-ite? The show “Countdown” where they pick random mystery letters (as selected by Ms Vorderman out of a stack of big cards and placed up on a board with 9 slots for each card picked) and then have to make words out of them – whoever gets the longest wordw ins – there is also a numbers section to this game, also involving contestants picking a selection of 5 mystery cards of varying values and then Carol presses a button, and a the ‘puter picks and displays a big number (they are technologically advanced on Countdown) , for which the contestants have to use the smaller nos to arrive at the total of the bigger no (by means of multiplication, addition and other mathematical sleight of hand means)- whoever gets closest, or spot-on, wins that round.

    The conundrum comes at the very end – a real 9-letter word is scrambled and revealed, then the contestants have 30 secs to get it, whoever gets it first wins. Sometimes no one gets it. (Actually, Ms Vorderman has nothing to do with this part, I was just making that up -as above).

    “What’s the conundrum today Ms (whiter than white big teeth) Vorderman?

    Melurbchubaleb – do do- do do -dodododo! Times up!”

    (The do do do’s are me pathetically trying to mimic the sound of the countdown music using text).

    The host usually just says “please now reveal today’s countdown conundrum!!” and the famous clock music countdown begins as the 2 contestant’s brains whizz round trying to be the first one to unscramble the 9letter word before the other one, or before the 30 secs is up.

    I will make it easier – I have cheated,as this is really 2 words so will scramble each on separately to make it easier.

    Barrhub Merlcub

    (clue – and you never get a clue in countdown for the conundrum – – – it’s something you eat and I believe is kind of typically british).

  27. For countdown nerds everywhere –

  28. “…….. as his right clenches ever tighter into an irreversible fist of frustrated autoaffection ….”

    Been meaning to say – inspired! Yes RSI due to “autoaffection”?


  30. 10 points! (Well, I did help you out by dividing it up into the 2 words and gave a big clue) – scrabble anyone?

    ‘Fidel, you win a date with Ms Vorderman (or was it Des O’Connor?) – oh well, either way you’ll have a great time talking about vowels and numbers.

  31. Will you have radsuct with that crumble?


  33. Ms Vorderman looks a bit like Nancy Pelosi. That would be an interesting date.

  34. Are you supposed to read this up or down. This blog amply demonstrates the randomness of time!!

    On a lighter note….. What am I supposed to put in the Website box on submission?

  35. Oh I see… I am now http://whatamIsupposed – as good a name as any

  36. welcome softcentre; do please give my regards to your brother metrocentre – he’s more urban but i always find you softer – and easier to get to, but don’t get me started on the local public transport issues around the metrocentre… gateshead? gateshead?? GATESHEAD??? – pah, he said with feeling.
    i tried, as a lover of centres of all kinds, to click on your link; it was about as successful as a trip to gateshead in the hope of finding the metrocentre. have you posted it correctly? nevertheless, you are welcome.

  37. Now this is a most excellent website for those suppliers of the bean counter lovers

  38. Why is it that people called Markus are always invariably particularly weird (the paper guru)?

    speaking of brothers try

    For the uniformed this is the website of CWF IV the smaller worshipper who now being without a gallbladder has a more difficult time providing reviews!

  39. Well SW I would hope that you find travelling in search of liquidity easier away from the metrocentre, being a region of intense cold partway underground, seek the heat.

  40. Speaking of song lyrics the one I like best is Pink…..Cuz I Can….

    Yeah I talk shit just deal with it. etc….You talk real loud but you ain’t sayin’ nothing cool. I can fit your whole house in my swimming pool. My life’s a fantasy…..and the ruf ruf ruf ruf ruf at the end says it all really!

    Makes a bit more sense than cornflakes!

  41. I prefer the ‘One that got away’. Appropo earlier email – apply to ex and what do you get.

  42. soft one (just the head?),
    while no expert on netiquette, i believe that if you simply wish to draw our attention to a website of such universal appeal as markus’, you can just post a link – the bit where it demands a url is for your own. still it is truly a riveting read and i am grateful.

    re your unwarranted jibe against the north of this country see ‘there’s a place for us’ passim, tho the metrocentre is not the best bit of that green and pleasant land. however i am never averse to bit of heat. apparently a hot water bottle often does the trick.

    tart – ‘Why is it that people called Markus are always invariably particularly weird?’
    Never trust a man who uses a ‘k’ where a ‘c’ would have done, is my advice.

  43. Truly a surreal experience blogging. SW you were talking about the application of madness?

  44. hopefully a hard head I would hope. Truly more a sign of madness talking to yourself…..

  45. SW you were talking about the application of madness? –
    was i? you don’t want to go listening to any of the crap i come out with – that way madness lies.

    and tart – the name? ‘a bitter fool’? (regular readers will know that rhubarb fool would not be particularly bitter).
    and why the shared url?

  46. WHat’s an URL other than English gentry that cannot spell.

    Because it amuses me, what else. If you are going to talk to yourself you need a few other names!

  47. I have recently discovered, much to my chagrin, that once a fool always a fool!

    Such a weird word cha-grin – is that like half a grin or a psuedo grin. What does cha mean anyway?

  48. “…….. as his right clenches ever tighter into an irreversible fist of frustrated autoaffection ….”

    Is that a euphimism (ak new computer where the hell is my spellchecker anyhow?) then? Should not have thought that was necessary. I agree with Daisy – sounds good though. Ever thought of writing for a living.

  49. chagrin – tea that makes you happy?

  50. If so where can I get some?

  51. I think I may just leave you to your autoaffection and try and find mine! I will read with interest tomorrow.

  52. Aw you looked it up. Right handy this internet business. Now if I can just work out how to open lots of windows – and still keep the heat in.


    \Cha\ (ch[aum]), n. [Chin. ch`a.] [Also chaa, chais, tsia, etc.] Tea; — the Chinese (Mandarin) name, used generally in early works of travel, and now for a kind of rolled tea used in Central Asia.

    A pot with hot water . . . made with the powder of a certain herb called chaa, which is much esteemed. –Tr. J. Van Linschoten’s Voyages (1598).

    Webster’s Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc.
    American Heritage Abbreviations Dictionary 3rd Edition – Cite This Source CHA

    Chamaeleon (constellation)
    Lovell Field Airport (Chattanooga, TN

  53. have you tried the happy tea shop?

  54. Was that be next to the shop of many delicacies or the temple of Mammon? No doubt frequented by many mu’s.

    I will seek the less happy but none the less sleepy tea from my canister. It has teddies on the packet!

  55. 2Ms Vorderman looks a bit like Nancy Pelosi. That would be an interesting date.”

    Beware of the teeth!

    Never mind that – did you want a medium or large custard with that crumble?

  56. “Ms Vorderman looks a bit like Nancy Pelosi. That would be an interesting date.”

    ps – You did! You googled Carol Vorderman!

    (I think Vorderman’s maiden name was Pelosi – maybe it’s her sister). *lies* *smirk*

  57. nobody, but nobody googles carol vorderman!


    For all fans of big white teeth and Ms Vorderman, (or both) …(No, I did not google this, it was an advert staring me in the face so I thought what the hell) – Put your sunglasses on as the teeth can blind the sensitve!

    (The aren’t that bad, they were just done unnecessarily IMO and the contrast when it was first done was a bit scary). Teeth just ordinary and normal looking? ” Are your teeth normal and just ordinary?

    “Is there nowt wrong with your teeth except that they don’t look like the radioactive straight piano-keyboard’ smile – and impress your fans when you speak like you have dentures”!

    Ohhh yeah Iknow – whatever lol,

  59. I don’t know what happened to the teeth diatribe – it got all scrambled up after I sent it! What’s with that? Ms Vorderman knows I am writing about her teeth. Here is how it should have read – talk about ruining it now.

    “Teeth perfectly ordinary and normal looking?
    Is there nowt wrong with your teeth except that they don’t look like the radioactive straight piano-keyboard’ smile that celebs have? -get them all veneered at great expense for that extra extra extra big and white ‘perfect’ smile and then impress your friends and fans when you speak like you have dentures”!

  60. “Ms Vorderman knows I am writing about her teeth.”

    I just know she has supernatural powers above and beyond her superior ability at mental arithmetic – or, I’m sure she has the technology to monitor when people are talking about her – or else her brain is so highly evolved that she just can sense, home in on, and disrupt a message, (esp about her teeth) and scramble it before it’s even sent- (blaming her rather than my proof reading but I’m sure in the process of submission, some text went missing).

  61. I’m glad I’m not the only one who talks to myself!

  62. SC I assume that was directed at moi? Or are you talking to yourself too?

  63. Yes but I amuse myself by changing my name each time!

  64. Ok why is it that historians are such morons who are keen on big words? No wonder I hated history at school. I’m normally a very fast reader, if not a fast typer, give me Mercedes Lackey any day. I am having to look up far too many words on this one.

    I can just about get the context of proletariat but what the hell is a lumpen one? Shows the advantages of a classical education. Apparently it is …

    lum•pen•pro•le•tar•i•at ˈlʌm pənˌproʊ lɪˈtɛər i ət – Show Spelled Pronunciation[luhm-puh n-proh-li-tair-ee-uh t] Pronunciation Key – Show IPA Pronunciation
    –noun (sometimes initial capital letter ) (esp. in Marxist theory)
    the lowest level of the proletariat comprising unskilled workers, vagrants, and criminals and characterized by a lack of class identification and solidarity.
    [Origin: 1920–25;

  65. There is a word limit in operation here! Well how did they get all those chamical formulas in place?

    How about fil•i•o•pi•e•tis•tic (fĭl’ē-ō-pī’ĭ-tĭs’tĭk) Pronunciation Key
    adj. Of or relating to an often immoderate reverence for forebears or tradition.

    [Latin fīlius, son; see filial + pietistic.]

  66. I need a coffee! All these words and I’m only still on the introduction. Garn.

    Speaking of Carol V- not how about poor Vicks Beckahm then? So used to being the thin one on the block, moving to the states she was the tubby lardy! Had to loose weight. I mean what is this size zero lark anyhow – where do you go from there. Oh yes size -1, here’s your coffin love!

  67. To whom it may concern (or not) – the name changes are to do with an imposter who used the name Daisy Puke to set up a blog, comment on other blogs as myself in order to make people think that I was a troll in real life – go figure why they would want to do that – so someone must be taking notice and listening – it was kind of flattering in a twisted kind of way. The name changes are to confuse the enemy – whoever that might be.

  68. I see myself and Nancy at a small Parisian table outside a quaint bistro. It is a calm summer night, there is a candle. Her teeth shimmer with the flickering of that candle. I am humbled and she seems agitated and stressed. People pass by, oblivious to us. The waiter comes and shows the bottle to me. How patriarchical, I think.
    “Nancy, look- there’s a picture of grapes on the bottle.” God am I nervous! She rolls her eyes slightly, then smiles. “You are so uncultured, its really kind of cute.” That breaks the ice and we go on to have a grand time over French bread, five different kinds of cheeses and another bottle of wine….oh that night will live forever in my mind.

  69. comment#69..nuff said….say no more…nudge nudge…

  70. Nancy excused herself in the middle of the meal to go call her friend Carol V about hints and tips to keep her expensive veneers from being stained by the patriarchal wine.

    Carol said ” no worries, what a coincidence I have just brought out my specially formulated de-staining “tooth de-tox” product -only £500.00 for a treatment – but Nance, as you are such a good friend, I will let you pay in five installments, with only 5% interest – enjoy your wine but drink responsibly” she hastily added!

  71. Meanwhile a surrealist Ann Boleyn simultaneously worked her exquisite oriental fan and with her feet performed the most delicate needlework stitching out “I am a lover of sexual euphemism” which frankly turned out to be beyond Simply Wondered.

  72. Was this needlepoint sexual innuendo/euphemism undertaken at the historic royal palace Hampton Court? I think you will find it was – and her ghost still haunts the place – many a tourist has reported whispers of “as he he opened the champagne bottle, and felt the force of the pressure against his hand, he then watched the froth spew forth forcefully, unable to stop it” – spooky! Carol V even heard it apparently. (I’m sure Henry VIII had champagne at his lavish court.) Well, Ann B certainly knew about it.

  73. Ah, Bud – how do I drink thee? let me count the ways (Budvar NOT budweiser the pus that oozes from the devil’s arse-scabs).
    ‘ I can just about get the context of proletariat but what the hell is a lumpen one?’

    I have always considered myself born into the lumpenbourgeoisie – no such class formally exists but i invented it for myself along with the hard-earned concept that ‘your social class is all about what you have on your mantelpiece’ (and not having a mantelpiece is a class note in itself).

  74. So

    Day Classes at Hampton Court Palace
    In the beautiful and historic surroundings of Hampton Court Palace, we offer embroidery classes for everyone. If you want to learn how to embroider, or if you have had a break of many years and once again wish to take up this lovely and satisfying skill, try one of our Introduction day classes. You will learn to work stitches using correct technique and you will be introduced to the subtlety of embroidery and its exciting potential as an art form. Designs and packs of materials are provided for all Introduction classes.
    “…felt the force of the pressure against his hand, he then watched the froth spew…” I’m sooo embarrassed.

  75. i love that the above comment went into my own spam filter! what was it? the mention of two commercially available products? slagging off an american beer-substitute? maybe this blog is just more aware than i am that i bug the hell out of myself. goodness we’re full of conflicted human beings and those at war with themselves this week, aren’t we? i’m about the only one who just has one name…

  76. Sadly the man looking for ‘v**gin being r**ed’ will find what he wants.

    {I automatically started to write ‘person’ looking for… . MAN.!}

  77. P.S.

    I have no idea who these women are whom you are objectifying in such a sexist manner.

    I shall be writing a note for you to take home to your mother.

  78. I’d better get the faux polystyrene matlepiece up quick then. Oh for some flying ducks.

    I’ll bring a curly straw then -that should be interesting!

  79. Who was it that sang ‘players only love you when they’re playing’.. a yes fleetwood mac. I always took that to be players in a shakspearian sense. Too true me thinks.

  80. By referring to yourself as lumpenborgiosie – you could be implying a lack of taste according to the dictionary note: Note: “Bourgeois” may also refer to mediocre taste or to the flashy display of wealth by the nouveau riche.

    So by declaring yourself lumpen in this respect is truly beyond the pale. A bit like my mother’s colour coordination in some respects. Like a clash of 60’s and 70’s and a bit of Ab Fab thrown in for love.

  81. By the way she says hi!

  82. Name that song:

    “next *to* your deeper fears we stand
    surrounded by a millions years”

  83. who was it said that bud couldn’t give a flying duck about interior design?

    the bourgeoisie (lumpen or otherwise) have indeed been vilified – and often fairly – for crimes against taste, but it’s the class i was born into and by lumpen i just wanted to place myself at the bottom of that class – below the ‘lower middle class’. and probably a teenaged desire to imply i’d read marx.

    pony – comment 1 – yes, indeed;
    comment 2 – in this maelstrom you’ll have to give us a clue as to your point of reference. and if it was directed at me, you know i’m not afraid of the witch; i do what i want and say what i want and she so can’t tell me what to do, whatever lazza reckons.
    please don’t tell her i said that.

  84. hey fidel – can’t google it (but at least i didn’t end up here – too scarily self-referential) but i like it… are you going to put me out of my misery or give the other members of our company time to guess it?

  85. waddya mean yes? etc….

    no wonder i liked it – still an adolescent at heart; that should be a litmus test for adolescents – just play them some yes and see whether they think it is stupid posey shite or the ultimate insights into life in the universe. can’t believe i knee-jerked into the latter camp.
    well, actually, i can!

  86. There is always their technical virtuosity(w/Bill Bruford) nothing against Alan White. Shite! do I sound like a “fan”…toes clutching my legs, I spread my arms and the giant folds of skin make like a bat- then she waves me back and forth and I see alternately her fingers pushing, then pulling tight and I see …S…E…X…U…A…

  87. “…..can’t google it (but at least i didn’t end up here – too scarily self-referential) ….”

    kind of a google version of “auto-affection”?

  88. I hate to say this to ya’ll, but Rick Wakeman is a “dictionary corner guest” quite a lot on……guess???

    Countdown! He’s good with the words, but not the numbers. He does tend to say “yes” to everything for some reason, and tends to only get the 3-letter word “yes” – this annoys Carol V no end.

    or was this subtle connection already made and I missed it entirely?

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