this blog has long been concerned with the fate of princess diana – our Queen Of Hearts (and one of the few people ever to have merited upper case here). there have been those who have doubted whatever verdict was given by various inquiries whether conspiracy theorists, those who know what phil the greek is truly capable of (even if you only beat him at monopoly)(and i believe she did one christmas… ominous) or the occasional barking egyptian millionaire with less taste than marbles. there seems no way to get a result that everyone will trust.
a number of possibilities have been aired to sort it out, including an investigation by members of the royal household (who, as well as buying the queen’s breakfast cereal, are presumably all qualified forensic detectives and will be led by some fat guy who lives at the tower of london, feeds the birds and wears a random scarlet piece of C16th tat for reasons nobody has ever discerned – if you really wanted it sorted, you’d ask trevor eve and sue johnstone, or you’d pay the extra and bring over grissom and horatio to look very sternly at people, but hey); there was talk of a judicial review, but they won’t take it seriously unless judge john deed does it and he’s too busy shagging jenny seagrove and wondering whether donald sinden is going to peg it in one of the gargantuan breaks between the few words he has to say. i’m sure i even heard that they were going to ask her sons to give evidence (which, given that they were about 4 years old and tucked up in bed in a different country when it happened, is certainly an imaginative choice). you need to do it in a way that is above suspicion, that will have no whiff of favouritism or looking after our own; in a C21st way that’s inclusive, modern and above all fun.
it has to be a public text vote. you get a load of witless buffoons to text a horribly expensive number, pour a few more millions into the mobile networks’ accounts and donate a penny a pop to a bunch of losers digging landmines out of school playgrounds somewhere hot and humid. add davina mccal and that bloke with the big hair and funny drony voice et voila! simple, profitable and strangely classy. that’s how you sort out these impossible dilemmas and plug a nasty hole in the tv schedules. one lucky voter even gets to be on the live firing squad for the culprits.
and they say there’s nothing good on telly!
next week: the cast of holby city solve the riddle of the lost city of atlantis using previously undiscovered proto-hittite runic manuscripts faked last week at broadcasting house.