beat the undead and change the world

today i had a flash of inspiration (i know you all love it when i come up with something amazing so i’ll share it) and realised that tony blair’s soul (if you’d call it that) has clearly inhabited the space reserved for same in the body that is walking around calling itself dave effin cameron (well it’s not as if anyone was using it, right?); my extension of that theory is that a high-level member of the undead is now intent on tormenting this country with its unhallowed rule for eons to come twisting out all our existences into what seems like an eternity of pain with million quid bonuses for people selling hedges or some such and a never-ending cycle of invasions of places we formerly couldn’t quite locate on a map while we sip latte in coffee crypts and become minor undead ourselves and voting tory once again becomes a thing you can admit to your friends – it’s probably thatcher… and keith joseph is sitting at the controls of the now-rudderless simulacrum of blair.

so, i thinks, here’s fun! i reckon we need more laws to defeat this undead scourge – so post your best shots here and i promise to work ceaselessly to get the best one through parliament. not sure how we’ll do it, but an insane email campaign at senior cabinet ministers should be a lark.

simple and even a child could understand it – let’s change this vile old world and let’s change it now.

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102 responses to “beat the undead and change the world

  1. “let’s change this vile old world and let’s change it now.”

    Are you hoping to accomplish this before the nuclear war our lot is about to start? Little tight on the timing there.

    What time is it there in the UK? I’m bored/pissed today too, so I suggest we spend the afternoon/evening/whatever drafting our plan for World Domination. But you have to actually, you know, pay attention to your blog.

  2. pay attention to my what? oh yes sorry, quite so.
    err maybe we could change things just in time for apocalypse (if the caribbean goes up too is it an apocalypso?).

  3. and if the world ends before the tri-nations series in australia, will we be declared not to have lost it?

  4. What is the tri-nations series?

  5. Pingback: Reclusive Leftist » Blog Archive » Meeting in progress to work out our plan for world domination

  6. Well, whatever the tri-nations thingy is, I don’t think it will help us defeat the undead. I’ve just posted an invitation to this planning session at my place — oh, look, there’s the trackback right there! — so we’d better get cracking with ideas before Paul Tergeist shows up.

    Actually I have an idea about Paul that I’ve been turning over in my mind for awhile. We know he’s obsessed with firearms and is presumably a good shot. We also know that we want him to die. I’m thinking we should persuade Paul to be our designated assassin for certain Undead people who aren’t actually Undead but should be.

  7. Whoops! Forgot to put [sarcasm] tags around that last post. People reading will think I’m really advocating murder.

  8. Actually I have an idea about Paul that I’ve been turning over in my mind for awhile.
    -VS

    I have an idea too.

  9. Cooking, Cleaning And Washing Helps You Ward Off Breast Cancer.
    -Catharine Paddock

    http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/healthnews.php?newsid=59874

    🙂

  10. Where is Richard? Drafting the email that will unseat the Evil-Doers?

    Email won’t cut it, Richard.

    How about if we start a new religion?

  11. ….and voting tory once again becomes a thing you can admit to your friends”

    sorry I cannot get past this…..

  12. Finally! Someone else at the meeting! So glad to see you Sparkle.

    Where the hell is Richard? I told him to pay attention to his blog and he’s gone off for a bike ride with Dave Cameron instead.

  13. Violet, Richard is always neglecting his blog, Paul offers to do house work for him you know- flick the duster around what have you as it prevents prostate cancer. However, Richard is too stubborn to accept help..
    Apparently, they had a fall out over a pinny – silly boys

  14. flick the duster around what have you as it prevents prostate cancer.
    -Ms. Sparkle

    WAIT! The joke’s nae funny if it’s aboot the male gender, ye olde cod!

  15. Well, I’m going to get started on my New World Order.

    Tenets:

    1. No Abrahamic religions.
    2. No terrorism.
    3. No Paul Tergeist.

  16. 4. No sexism, racism, or any other form of oppression.
    5. Wealth will be distributed by giving women half of all real and liquid assets currently in existence.
    6. Videos by Human League will be eradicated from the earth, with perhaps just a tiny sample kept in a locked vault at the WHO in case scientists ever need to study the genome.

  17. Sorry, that was wealth will be REdistributed.

  18. 1. No Paul Tegeist, unless he starts behaving and stops calling me elderly fish names. Of which I am neither you see.

    2. No housework

    3. Abolition of the patriarchy

  19. 3. No Paul Tergeist.
    -VS

    SCREECH! Stop the bus! Let us revisit number 3 in which Violet wants to do to me what Dubya did to Iraq. It is just unconscionable! If I go the leprechauns will have to go as well and no one wants that! Imagine the world with no more little people or rainbows. HELP, HELP, I am being oppressed!

    I refuse to endorse it and I call upon my pal Ms. Sparkle to spring to my defense with her razor-sharp wit and cute colloquial Geordie-ish yappity-yap-yap-yap!

  20. 1. No Paul Tegeist, unless he starts behaving and stops calling me elderly fish names. Of which I am neither you see.
    -Ms. Sparkle

    I am able to agree to this in principle. It was my understanding that these phrases are terms of endearment in Outer Britain along with ‘old cock’, as which I am frequently referred by my Pals Across The Pond.

  21. ‘Old cock’ is not a Geordie expression as it from doon sooth. It means an elderly cockerel up here – or something.

  22. …….are YOU trying to say that my FRIENDS have been insulting me all these years?!?!?!?! I canna believe such a thing.

  23. I’m behind you on the world ruling thing. So, what’s our first step?

  24. “5. Wealth will be distributed by giving women half of all real and liquid assets currently in existence”

    Will someone explain this to my x husband – please?

    Paul: Aye you had better believe it laddie – they have been calling you names. An old man hen to be precise.
    Bloody shocking I say!

    Chloe- the host gone off for a bike ride with Dave Cameron.

  25. So, what’s our first step?
    OLC

    Recruit more followers.

  26. Cooking, Cleaning And Washing Helps You Ward Off Breast Cancer.
    -Catharine Paddock

    Oh well then poltergeist (aptly named – an ugly horrible invisible represenation of nastiness) – you won’t get breast cancer then. sorry to interrupt your cleaning schedule.

  27. i have let it slip a tad and here are all these people with things i have to comment on. far easier when there’s nobody at the blog and i can quietly dress paul in his french maid’s outfit and beat him with the riding crop.
    actually dave and i went for a ginger beer at the conservative club after our bike ride and got so raucous we ended up throwing stones at shireen ritchie’s house and vomiting on her bentley. i left him at 3am singing ‘like a virgin’ at the top of his lungs in pembridge square. i imagine the tory press will suppress the story as they always do with this kind of stuff.
    but to business….

    if housework wards off cancer, is there nothing that works with paul? i like vi’s plan and have sent a one way business class ticket to hawaii to number 10. trust you’ll all chip in with the cost…

    on terms of endearment, for special friends like paul, we use the old geordie appellation: yer great useless steaming pile of shite ye – no honestly it’s really affectionate, isn’t it, sparkle? the notion that we of the north spend our time calling each other fish is about as accurate as the concept of us all dancing ti wa daddies and singing ti wa mammies (or was it vice versa) til the boot comes in. we are all far too busy hanging around the baltic to worry about boots and fishies, though you can still buy some nice dishies in fenwicks. and when on earth did it become newcastlegateshead then? some time after the marketing department got off their overpaid arses and tried to justify their fees, i suspect.

    i’m worried about the human league video withdrawal; the whole point of having them in society is to allow controlled exposure to generate herd immunity; take them away and you run the risk of future generations being utterly unprepared for the sudden acquisition of hair far longer on one side of the head than the other. influenza all over again.

    do you think it’s too long-term a plan to offer to do all of tony’s housework for him and hope he has to retire in due course with a mild dose of breast cancer. but he is fairly cunning and might spot the plan. still he has to get back from our grassy knoll (er volcano) in hawaii first.

  28. old lady chloe – an official welcome on your first comment – look forward to sharing your wit and wisdom (or tedious waffle if you are like me) in days to come.

  29. oh! what was it we were meant to be doing again?

  30. Waffle? Did you say waffles?

  31. The true wealth of any nation can only be measured by the number of women who wholeheartedly whisper willingly , “we want weasles work; wheathering whoas, winnowing wages with willawaw wind.” Wallets waining, we wonder what was, while Winston wins.

  32. oh! what was it we were meant to be doing again?
    -sw

    Finding me a new home. I may have just pushed the envelope too far at Vi’s.

    “Waffle? Did you say waffles?”
    sm

    He meant ‘tripe’. 🙂 Anyone know how to do [s] strikeout[/s] in this place?

  33. I wonder if it could be the same as the other WordPress blogs?

  34. Bingo.

  35. hail to infidel! honoured to have you here surrealising so many of my dreams for this blog.
    and waffles (even alphabites) but never tripe – one of the butchers in the grainger market in newcastle has two different varieties of tripe – how 19th century is that – although the cheap tabs shop appears to be no more. did exactly what it said on the sign, though.

    maybe paul could go and stay at lazza’s…

  36. Eating stomach does wonders for my stomach, it truly does. For the revolution, evolution. Abrahamic religions gone in a flash- that feeling of self, seeing, meaning(like cash). But peace, respect without a meaningless abrahamic humility, an “I don’t know”, a “we’ll never know”, and we won’t! Live with it, or without it, it, it, it, IT. Okay that’s smart, or rather I would never consider my ent too bee ‘n aaaa position to render judgement on that- smart or otherwise. Wisdom not withstanding. Thank you and thank the possibility we would do what we could to end nationalities and face strife, and pain, and endless suffering together.

  37. Finding me a new home. I may have just pushed the envelope too far at Vi’s.

    Your fate is being determined even as we speak.

    Anyone know how to do [s] strikeout[/s] in this place?

    Does the del tag work?

  38. “Your fate is being determined even as we speak”

    I noes!!

  39. “Your fate is being determined even as we speak.”
    -Vi

    Since I prefer to control my own destiny I shall exit your blog, stage right….er…left and let you live in peace. You may keep Chloe, but I am majorly pissed that you said how much you liked the name but failed to present the etymology of it! ::angry:: Anyway, the sound reminds me of a cat hocking up a hairball.

    “I noes!!”
    -Ms. Sparkle

    Ms. Sparkle is presumable coming to my defense albeit (I love that word…no silly “‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c'”) about twenty posts too late.

    Ms. Sparkle, you really must step up. If I had been on fire I would have flamed out by now.

    So now the secret is out Ricardo. I can be got rid of as easily as you can say “Mr. Myxlplyx”. Just ask for a vote. I am obliged by my holy oath to take the chivalrous way out.

    “Good Night, Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow.”
    -R&J-WS- 2/2/220,221

  40. “If I had been on fire I would have flamed out by now.”
    -PT

    I know it isn’t funny. I had something much funnier but thought better of it. 🙂

  41. Since I prefer to control my own destiny I shall exit your blog, stage right….er…left and let you live in peace.

    Now Paul, if you insist on playing the part of loathsome troll and insulting everyone who shows up at my blog, you should at least be man enough to endure some democratic feedback on your behavior. I’m thinking we may have a case here of being able to dish it out but not take it, hmmm?

  42. The weathermen/weatherwomen will be the voiceboxes of dominence, if only they could figure it out and quit guessing. Once they gain an infallable understanding, once they achieve a complete control and start dictating where lightning hits- phew! No wonder the rain men danced.

  43. “I’m thinking we may have a case here of being able to dish it out but not take it, hmmm?”
    -Vi

    I’m thinking you are mistaken. Unless I lost in the popular vote, which I doubt.

    “The weathermen/weatherwomen will be the voiceboxes of dominence”.
    -Fidel

    Piffle. She’s right, I was disturbing the harmony of Those-who-take-Themselves-too-Seriously. Thus it is written that I must pass into the wind like a popcorn fart. PFFFFFFFFFT.

  44. dominance?

  45. Yes.

  46. This is still cute, even after the election. Wait for it.

    http://decider.cf.huffingtonpost.com/

  47. I’m thinking you are mistaken. Unless I lost in the popular vote, which I doubt.

    The poll is still open but the trend has been steady since the beginning, with the majority of voters in favor of keeping you around.

    The net result is that you are being transformed into a sympathetic figure whose presence on the blog has been popularly vindicated. At the same time latent hostility towards you is being diffused while those who don’t understand what you’re about are getting a nice fresh helping of Clue.

    She’s right, I was disturbing the harmony of Those-who-take-Themselves-too-Seriously.

    It is certainly true that taking oneself too seriously can get in the way of sorting out what’s actually going on. Thank heavens none of us have that problem!

    Eating stomach does wonders for my stomach, it truly does. For the revolution, evolution.

    Infidel, this reminds me: have you listed for Richard all the foods you’ve ever eaten? I bet he would like that!

  48. It would at least be a civil list, unlike the kind I have sorrofully compiled in a distant past. I like Liver, I’d like to think its good for my liver.

  49. I like Liver, I’d like to think its good for my liver.
    -Fidel

    It isn’t, unless it is goose liver. Or polar bear liver. Take my advice and drink more beer. It is a magikal elixir for what ails you.

  50. it scares me when infidel’s posts are the most comprehensible on the blog. i am an allegory for our poor nation – taken over as the unthinking man’s reclusive leftist, just as we are now a sad annexe for the us.

  51. Take Woody Allen please.

    Sparklematrix,
    What is an “Auld Lang Sine”??
    …an old long song?

  52. AULD LANG*** SYNE***

    Words adapated from a traditional song
    by Rabbie Burns (1759-96)

    Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
    And never brought to mind?
    Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
    And auld lang syne?

    Very tired going peeps x

  53. But before I go-go-go
    “And surely ye’ll be your pint-stowp,
    And surely I’ll be mine,
    And we’ll tak a cup o kindness yet,
    For auld lang syne!”

    Paul are ye gettin ya mates ta bully me- like?

    Betta not like!

  54. Sorry forgot it means …”For old long ago”

  55. In addition, an ancestor of mine William Shield composed the music. He has a memorial head stone at St Mary’s the Virgin, Church of England, Whicham Tyne & Wear. He is however buried at Westminster Abby. Which is dead posh – like?

  56. Paul are ye gettin ya mates ta bully me- like?
    -Ms. Sparkle

    Are ye daft? Aa’ve enough troubles already! Besides, weor-like waad Ah get mates?

  57. I have coined a new word. I think it is new, I have never seen it anywhere. “Gynecologic” n, feminine logic. It’s damn mellifluous, innit! I like it almost as much as ‘feminazi’.

  58. I just returned from Ms. Sparkle’s blog. Kudos on the new skin, but it is obvious that you are Fidel in drag. Else yer a canny and eclectic lot. Have ye ne’er heard the word ‘ eccentric’ spoke when they thought yer weren’t listening?

  59. “Gynecologic” n, feminine logic. It’s damn mellifluous, innit! I like it almost as much as ‘feminazi’”
    PT

    Paul stop ‘othering’ and yes it is said that I am eccentric but I do not do drag. That really is too much.

    Sparkle greetings

  60. Mandatory Castration Society

    “If I had been on fire I would have flamed out by now.”

    No it’s not really funny – but if you were on fire, you would still be flamed out by now (or still burning) because none of us here could/would have the indignity of pissing on you.

    Personally, I like the word misogy-nazi – PT is Hitler.

  61. gynecologic – a term that could be reclaimed (i presume given its context it’s being used as an insult) by those who know of more of the wisdom specific to woman than i do…

    perhaps a simple change to life would be the setting up of a gynocracy… not saying it would be perfect but it has little to beat in the present setup.

  62. “perhaps a simple change to life would be the setting up of a gynocracy… not saying it would be perfect but it has little to beat in the present setup”

    Exactly – all those in favour of a gynocracy say aye.

    Aye.

  63. eye, I, aye, and any other form of iiii you can think of. I am counting in also, “oui “, and “si” – also, “yer not wrong john” and “is the pope catholic?”.

  64. Aye, and dominance over the anthrocracy.

  65. And no more androcracy. (In looking up the word androcracy, this link came up in results – apropos of anthrocracy)
    http://www.asws.org.au/patriarchy.html

  66. Aye. See, Ricardo? One simple comment drew eight responses. TWO from the outrageous hellion DP and one from Chloe posing as MCS. And my pal Ms. Sparkle responded even though I confuse Geordian and ‘pirate talk’. Vi chimed in too! It’s like old home week. 🙂 ARRRRRH!-like.

  67. World-weary reporting for duty! Hello comrades.

  68. WELL! I just got a post approved at Ms. Sparkle’s blog. I know no one believes it, but it’s twue, it’s twue! Does anyone else out there want a ghostwriter?

  69. World-weary reporting for duty! Hello comrades.
    -fp

    Aloha..I read through your blog for the first time. It is….inspired. Sadly, it was also dark and uncomfortable. For I am a bear of very little brain and big words confuse me.

  70. Aw hell, thanks Paul, it’s a lotta mumbo-jumbo to sling thru,don’t I know it. But this is my first visit to this blog, talk about inspired, I’m settling in to get to know the place. I sense good energy.

  71. I sense good energy.
    -fp

    Natch! I’m here!! I’m just chock-full of good energy! 🙂 (especially since I started taking Abilify!) 😦

  72. Whats Abilify? or should I not have asked?

  73. Whats Abilify? or should I not have asked?
    -sm

    You must visit Ms. Flawedplan’s blog and read her current thread, but it is a medication which, I believe, you don’t want.

  74. hey flawed plan – delighted to have you here even if a tad world-weary (nice avatar – if that ain’t too flirty); we seem to have established in 85 posts that we’d be happier if women had a go at being in charge. we have yet to set the world of philosophy aflame with any mind-bendingly clever or original ideas. still, you can only work with what you’ve got and we’ve got paul yammering in our ears most of the time as he’s allergic to the fact that very few people at reclusive leftist want to ban him.
    put simply, there is plenty left for you to do should you wish!
    surely what we live under must be spelled androcrassy…

  75. “we seem to have established in 85 posts that we’d be happier if women had a go at being in charge.”
    -sw

    Ummmm……I must have misread something. I merely voted to let them coexist as pawns of the patriarchy.

    “..we’ve got paul yammering in our ears most of the time..”
    -sm

    You don’t. You are rarely here. My plan is to emulate you.

    “…people at reclusive leftist want to ban him.”
    -sm

    THE NERVE of those old coots! They take everything I say out of context! ::angry::

  76. ‘people at reclusive leftist want to ban him’ wonder how many people will catch this one – a very subtle post PT!!!
    and it was 75 posts. i’m wrong as usual – still it’s what everyone expects.

  77. a very subtle post PT!!!
    -sw

    I am the epitome of subtlety-like! 🙂

  78. “..we’ve got paul yammering in our ears most of the time..”
    -sm”

    “…people at reclusive leftist want to ban him.”
    -sm”
    PT.
    ******
    PT- my dear fellow you are becoming confused again, these comments are not mine.

    Unless there is another SM on the thread – Ha! Which I doubt!

  79. “PT- my dear fellow you are becoming confused again, these comments are not mine.”
    -Ms. Sparkle

    Too right! I was trying to type -sw.

    “Unless there is another SM on the thread – Ha! Which I doubt!”
    -Ms Sparkle

    Anyone who comes back again and again to read my your stuff has to have a little S&M in them. 🙂

  80. he’s allergic to the fact that very few people at reclusive leftist want to ban him

    Nevertheless, it’s true. Paul, you’ve won in a Nixonian-level landslide! Congratualations. Everyone misses you and is eager for your return (well, I guess not everyone, but 65-70%). I haven’t figured out how to shut the poll down yet but it doesn’t matter; the trend isn’t changing.

    I’m also pleased to note that several people took the time to express their support for you in comments, and in fact no one felt strongly enough in the other direction to bother making a comment about it (except Chris, and he was joking).

  81. Goddamnit, Richard, why don’t you have a preview button? AAAGGGHHH.

    Anyway, I wasn’t finished. Paul! Come on back. ehj2 has compared you to a bird and a flower!

    Speaking of avatars: Richard, I’ve been meaning to inquire about the small yellow-clad person next to your comments. Is that your spawn?

  82. It’s good to be back, I got hammered at a big blog today, Roy Edroso himself chastized me in a long thread where I was just trying to speak my truth. I cried a little, but kept going back, trying to push through. Anyone ever do that, still?

  83. Paul, I believe the balls in your corner.

  84. Anyone ever do that, still?

    I don’t now, though it’s always possible I could be dragged back in. “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!”

    On the whole I am strongly motivated to walk away from twits. The real world is so full of jackasses already that the last thing I want to do is find more online.

    By the way, FP, these Brits sleep at odd times. Something’s wrong with their clocks.

  85. ehj2 has compared you to a bird and a flower!
    -VS

    ?!?!?!?!?!! In and of itself enough reason for me to move in with Ms. Sparkle.

  86. The real world is so full of jackasses already that the last thing I want to do is find more online.
    -VS

    Are you drunk? Only an hour ago you were inviting me back into the warm, welcoming bosom of your blog and now…this! I feel as though I have been badly used; that you are a tease and a temptress! That you are a female black widow, hiding in ambush, just waiting for a chubby male to waddle by and then…..WHAM! I am caught up in a silk noose like Saddam…. trussed like a Christmas goose…..then as I look up, THERE YOU ARE! JUST LIKE SHELOB! My God, my vital juices! What will become of them?!?!?!? It’s HORRIBLE!! IT’S … oh… it’s late. I better get some rest while this drama plays out.

  87. Paul, I believe the balls in your corner.
    -fp

    I’m not sure you can trust ’em. What did they tell you?

  88. pt – subtle but unable to tell the difference between sw and sm… well there you go; as i said, they give this man lethal weapons… (ps has tony arrived yet?)
    vs – post nixonian landslide, our long national nightmare is just beginning and now we have no gerald ford to save us…
    ‘why don’y you have a preview button’ – may i clarify matters for you? a blog is a connected series of articles and comments – pictures even!!! – with features to assist the reader/poster. ‘there’s a place for us’ is a rough shelter where refugees from real blogs and real life huddle briefly for warmth and come out with gems. if we had features they might get comfy and hang around. i will try to get a sofa from the salvation army, though as all this damp grass is giving me piles (and a nasty cough – whoops, drug reference). i too can compare paul to a sad old london pigeon with one leg, eating crap and pecking mindlessly but annoyingly at anything within reach; or a persistent systemic weed, the sort you have to get every bloody bit of root out or it just comes back as ugly and inappropriate as before. but i won’t.
    the avatar is my inner child.
    pt thinks he’s going to move in with sparkle – oh god call the cooncil, pet – you’ve got them tergeists again.
    fp – paul has balls in his corner – could be why he’s so grouchy?

  89. fp – i’m interested to see this conversation in which you participated; would you provide a link or ref – or is it just worryingly stupid people being worrying and stupid?
    read a little of your bolg – i think i might have to take it slowly – serious isn’t something you get much of here at ‘there’s a place for us’ (TAPFU – as it shall now be known).

  90. blimey, capitals…
    oh and blog not bolg; i have a degree in words, you know.

  91. I love this place, it comforted me yesterday. The blog fight was about wingnut views on women and marriage and I took the wingnut view I guess and it went from there. We eventually came to some understanding, here’s the link:

    http://alicublog.blogspot.com/
    It’s the third post called Lifestyle Conservatism
    and the haloscan has 60 comments.

    OK, what do you think about that?!

  92. Human Kindness is Overflow’n
    and I Think its gonna rain Today.

  93. you are a force of nature, ‘del – what more can be said?

  94. It should be said that Randy Newman coined those words, I just thought they were appropo. Marriage after all is one of those life decisions made in a moment out there for all to see. Like blogging. You push submit and boom, you can’t hardly take it back and you go forward from there….sometimes children(related threads) come from your post and they owe themselves to your original post. If you recant, it hardly makes a difference unless the original post still means something.

  95. never recant – you just get your fingers burned. ask cranmer.

  96. What good ever came from Aslockton?

  97. a vile village in the vale.
    but i believe the beavers are brilliant.

  98. Totally tubular. The long, long history of England is worlds away from American history. Clear cut events as far back as the bc/ad break- a town like Aslocton, the buildings, the roads, Smite river, bridges come&gone, invasions, foreign influence, real history- not four generations and then the Indians- gotta be trouble not to get lost in the past. I admire your history what?

  99. Here is the perfect mate for Violets 10foot beaver.

  100. only if it were a veiled beaver…
    that looks like a cairn of poutine!?

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